About Finally Getting A Job

Alhamdulillah I'm finally going back to work. In the place that I've always wanted to work. University nearby my house, near to my kids school. Alhamdulillah 3x. I'm going to start next week.

I've learned to lower my expectations and I've learned to live with whatever I can. You know that in Oil and Gas industry you always strive to make more money, move to a better place that pays better, everyone seems to be paid higher than you, etc. Well, I've sorted out my priorities. 1. Kids. 2. Family. 3. Job. 4. Salary..

As long as what I earn is enough to pay the bills, for the kids school, courses, helper and I can still save money it's enough. And most of all InsyaAllah it's blessed.

I think Allah was in a way pulled me out of the path that I was so swayed on. Spending money too lavishly, even though I consider it normal compared to my other friends but still when I think about it I did spend money unnecessarily.

I hope the new job is working out for me. Considering it's something I've nv done before. But I'm excited to learn something new. I hope it's blessing for myself and for my family and I hope I'll always remember that my kids and family comes first.

What Staying Home Does To Me

After a few months of not working, staying home with the kids, I find that the luxury that I yearn for is having a quiet moment by myself, watching TV, sitting by myself reading books without having to hear anyone fighting, or anyone nagging me. I find that all the things that I took for granted previously are the ones that I treasure most now. I hope if I do go back to work one day I won't forget these days.

I do still have a very bad temper with the kids. I do try to reason with her (the eldest) and I usually fail after the 3rd reasoning. But now I mostly can accept the fact (when I'm sane and not too tired) that kids ARE supposed to be annoying to get out of things, and I let them take their time to digest that it is their responsibility. I too starting to accept the fact that disciplining your kids takes a lot of practice, patience, repetitive reminders which is totally NOT instant. I too have started to finish everything one by one instead of stressing over everything.

I feel like I have become more relaxed in dealing with world problems. I can comment in someone's posts which I totally disagree and dislike in a calm manner and not even take it personally. I do have more sense of humor which I really need to keep my sanity. I too have forgotten about trying to show how equivalent I am in terms of brain and knowledge with men. Because really, it is more fun to pretend that you know nothing when in fact you are digging information. I have spent a lot of my time struggling to prove that men and women can both work hard and equally. Yes as a matter of fact we could. It's just that after we have kids things just change. It's really difficult to keep up with such high hopes. What with all the kids issues, kids matters, etc. And I know in the workforce, being a working mother is not easy for the employer. It's like paying someone whom you know might have divided attention with home. It is almost impossible not to discriminate.

Money wise, I finally flock my faith to God. When you give your fate to Allah despite all your super duper extra efforts I believe that is when the best decision will come InsyaAllah.

Do note that all these realizations IS NOT applicable during my PMS. When all those
hormones take over me. I feel by staying home when I have my PMS it's like WWII inside my head.

Overall, I got to admit, despite all the hardships, my anger, my tears, my regrets, my anxiety, my fatigue over staying home, I get to discover a whole different perspective of life.

I get to discipline my kids. Asha went from can-do-nothing-by-herself to must-do-everything-by-herself. Now she eats by herself most of the time and even finish her meals by herself (sometimes I still feed her just to finish it up), cloths herself, and now bathing and brushing by herself. It took me 5 months to get her to be able to do all those. And now I insist that whatever she wants, she needs to get it by herself, except things that she couldn't reach.
Rana on the other hand, is still on process. I haven't even potty trained her. She pooed on the toilet though now. Her speech is much better now, more audible. She's able to take off her own clothes as well.
Asha is really talkative, and keeps on asking questions, and since I am around all the time, I get to answer most of it.

If you ask me now whether I will go back to work again, I'd still say yes if Allah gives me another chance. But if Allah decides that it's my time to stay home, I'm okay with that. I thought by staying home I won't be able to use all my education. But I was wrong. I get to transfer my knowledge, my linguistic abilities with my kids. I get to correct their grammars since young, I get to explains things anytime anywhere, I get to share all the interesting knowledge of the world. I get to share my passion with them. I get to do one thing that I've written in my bucket list. I want to teach. It's not my intention to have brilliant geniuses in my household. I want them to be curious of everything. I wish that even when they grow up I won't push them to do anything but be curious.

So after so many months staying home whining and complaining and crying I finally come to terms with myself. The perks of an SAHM.

About Staying Home and Job Hunting

I went for another interview yesterday. It has become so bad that it was only the second interview I went to. I thought I was going to get the job but it turns out it's still not fixed yet. I misunderstood. I'm scared that this is my last chance this year and I won't get it. He sounded like he was making up excuses not to hire me even though maybe he really has other candidates to consider but still.

I cried. I felt like I have high hopes then it crashes down. I feel like the news that is going to come back to me will be bad news. I feel that this is one of the lowest point of my life. 

I had my degrees, i had my PR and I couldn't get a single job. How true it is that if it's not meant to be it will never be.

Maybe I'm meant to stay home for the time being. I had my doubts too when I applied for the job. Will i get a good helper, how is my 3rd kid plan, what's gonna happen next, will i be able to juggle my kids and work and so many other doubts then this came. Then suddenly it hit me.

If I don't get the job, I'm still going to try having the 3rd one and continue on managing my 2 kids. Before that I need to potty train Rana. And I hope by the time I give birth the oil and gas will pick up again and I'll be happier looking for a new job.

So you can say this will be my last attempt of job hunting this year. If this too fails I'll stop for the time being and go the my next plan which is planning for the next kid.

But the thought of giving up job hunting makes me really sad. Really really sad. I still want to work. I don't want to stay home. I want to work. No matter what I say that's the hard truth.

I guess nobody gets what they want all the time. It's just that I'm really sad. I thought i got it but I don't. And this fact really brings me down.

When I Search for Jobs

Come to think of it.. From the moment I landed on my first job, it was fate, it was smooth, it was easy. I struggled a little bit for the next one but still considerably hopeful. Now I am challenged to get a job in a more difficult situation.

Even so, actually I had it tough too when I was looking for a job right after I graduated. Nobody seemed to want me. It was 2005, the oil and gas industry was down. A lot of my seniors landed in jobs outside of our expertise. I applied everywhere to no avail. I only got 1 interview. In the meantime, I earned some extra bucks working for my lecturer. But I didn't give up. I kept hope. In the end I decided to go for Master degree and off I went.

I don't know why I'm relatively feeling hopeless now. Maybe it's because I have kids, bills to pay, few choices, other plans ahead, etc. Plus I am so desperately fatigued. I feel like I really really need a job soon. Life isn't so free and easy now hahaha.

Life never goes the way we plan it to be. And when the going gets tough it really is difficult to keep faith and surrender fate. Even though sometimes that is all we need to do, surrender. And God will do the rest.

I am still applying for jobs. Making efforts, but deep inside I am very pessimistic. Maybe that's why nothing comes up. I don't know what I want, and I haven't surrendered fully.

Whatever happens, I must keep trying, be optimistic and surrender my fate to the Almighty. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. 

Happy Father's Day (Dedicated to my dad)

Everyone has special things about their dads that they cherish. Be it their kindness, their laugh, etc. What I remember about my dad is, he was always angry, and ending every fight that we had, he ended it with, "someday you'll be thankful because of this". Being the very stubborn teenager that I was, I hated that sentence, and always cursed in my heart, "what do you know of being young".

Being a parent now, a fully grown up adult. I found the thing that I hated the most, becomes the thing that I held on dearly. He was right, he was right most of the time.

I wasn't brought up in loving kindness. Where young women would say that their fathers adore them like princesses. I wasn't brought up as a princess. I was brought up as a soldier. I had drills, commands, warnings, trials, curfews, etc. And that brings me to where I am now.

Nevertheless, he actually didn't ask much of me. He didn't really mind that I wasn't first in class, or I got a bad grade for a subject, or I never won a single trophy in my life. He only wanted me to try my best. As long as I've tried, he didn't mind. For that, I was shaped to follow my own lead in life, to follow what my heart wanted me to be, not what others expected me to be, and to be really stubborn in getting what I want.

He was most curt in morals, courtesy, and attitude. His principal was, "good looks is worthless with no brain. Good looks, good brain, is worthless with poor moral and attitude". So that too brings me how I have become. I could care less of how I look, I care more about the world, that fascinates me, and what it means. And I struggled years to learn of proper attitude, and believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever learned.

He taught me things that I thought were useless. Before I could ride a motorbike, he explained the functions of every single part of it. He opened his old car to explain parts of a car engine. He explained the mechanism of an aeroplane taking off and flies. Which at that time I dreaded sooo much. But now I realized that not all dads would take the time to teach their kids these.

He was not the most pleasant person to be around sometimes, due to his quick temper and unpredictable mood. Even so, he is a very wise and kind hearted person.
I honestly don't know how to behave around him sometimes, or to show him that I do appreciate every little thing that he had taught me. I too now understand that parents get angry because they are tired and confused and it wasn't something that they do out of spite.

So, happy father's day dad. I'm too shy to say it but do know that I love you so from the bottom of my heart.

When Life Seems Hard

When life seems hard, it is easy to succumb to depression. When we feel alone, it is so easy to succumb to loneliness and blaming people. But there are people out there who face worse things than you and they don't complain. Just living day by day trying to survive.

Every now and then, to realize that what I'm dealing with now is nothing compared to what other people are dealing with, I need fresh reminder constantly. It's not easy to remember that there are people less fortunate when we are feeling we are at the bottom level of our lives.

Just now I read a post. About a grandma and her granddaughter. It's true story btw, because there are pics from the person who met them. She is 74 years old. Her granddaughter is about 15years old and she is an orphan. She has an illness which if it were not treated, she will be a hunch back for life. So therefore, grandma had to travel twice every week from Bogor to Jakarta for physioterapy by train. They look poor so I think they took the normal economy class train. And the grand daughter's bones is in no condition for her to walk. So every time they go out, grandma carried her with a sling.

I felt so ashamed of myself. I struggled with my daily activities. I dread doing house chores, I dread hearing my kids scream and shout, I wept because there is no one to help me, I cursed my husband who is away.

I forgot that Alhamdulillah:
- My kids are healthy and well.
- My husband is alive and can still provide for me
- I still have a house, a running electricity, running water.
- I am young and healthy.

I was so caught up in how lonely I was, how Allah took my living privileges, how I was so scared of things that are not happening, how miserable I was staying home and felt useless.
While the grandma just do it because she sincerely wants her grand daughter to be alive and healthy. She never took of it as a burden, just something that she needs to do. I don't think she has goals in life as well. She just takes life as it comes.

I on the other hand, was never sincere. I am an egoistic mom, who just wants the easy things in life. I wanted a grand life. While some people are just thankful to be alive and healthy. Astaghfirullah.

Now I ask myself, So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? T_T *istigfar*

Anxiety and Depression

I really think I am suffering from early stage of depression. It has only lasted for a week and it comes and goes. But I do keep feeling down.

My symptoms are:
- Irritability. I am more irritable than ever. I can't stand my kids fighting, screaming, running around. I can't stand too much noise that makes me irritated.
- Lonely and helpless. I always bump into these feelings. I kept on feeling that I only can depend on myself. I don't have anyone to help (even when there is someone helping me with small things). I still feel everything is up to me to do. I have no one to turn to. I'm alone.
- Fatigue. I constantly feel tired. Like I have no energy. I feel like sleeping all day long.
- Scared of dying. I always feel like, how many days do I have left. Is tomorrow going to be the day? And these feelings kept on bringing me down like I've got nothing to look forward to.
- I have no plans for my future. I usually can plan what I want to do next year. Or the year after. Looking forward on holidays etc. Now I feel like I've got nothing. I don't know what to do. I have no plans. I have no dreams. I feel like I'm floating in the moment. Like life is empty.

I know I've got to fight this. I just don't know how. It just suddenly came over me. I don't even know what caused it. I'm trying hard to think what could have caused it but I really have no clue.....

Is it an accumulation of all my past losses? My husband gone overseas, lost my job, lost my helper. It's like all of a sudden all things in life that I took for granted are gone. At the beginning I tried to be strong and fight it. But maybe deep down inside I still couldn't accept it. I want my old life back. I want to be happy again. I want to be someone meaningful again. Truth is, I really miss working. I miss the feeling of socializing with adults during the day. Whereas now, what I do is just housework, caring for the kids. What makes it worse, I don't want to trouble anyone. I can't ask my husband to come back. He has a job to do. I don't want to be a burden.

My question is, can I find joy in being a housewife, where my husband is away and I'm left with everything? Can I have confidence that I really can do it slowly by setting my own standard? How bad do I want to go back to work again? What can make me happy again?

There is something missing in my life. Something that since I have left work has left me too. Maybe I was too caught up with my life, with my loneliness I can't see all other things in life.

When I'm Depressed

Actually, I kinda suspected that I am actually depressed. I lost my job, my husband is posted overseas, and my helper went home. I am all alone with my kids stuck with my house chores. At the beginning, I broke down. I was depressed because I felt so helpless. Then after that, I established a routine and it was getting better.

Two weeks ago, I went on a holiday with the kids. We went to my husband's place, stayed there for 2 whole weeks and we had fun. I was so happy to be reunited. Then suddenly 3 days before it was time to go back, I broke down again. I suddenly had a panic attack. I was scared that I'd die on a plane crash and would never see my husband again. I didn't want to go on that plane. I didn't know what came over me. I was so scared of losing everything. I was scared I would die soon and leave everything when I really wasn't ready to go yet. I was scared that Allah will test me to that extent. I was so scared, just scared of my life after.

Alhamdulillah the plane didn't crash and I got home safely. When we reached the airport I was so relieved. Then this morning I woke up and that feeling is still there. THe kids are still on holiday so we rested at home today. FYI I am having my menses and this anxiety happened since the menses started. The worst thing is, I can't do my shalat to relieve my mind. I felt so lonely, empty, no purpose of life. I felt like I have no one to talk to, no one I can depend on, since everyone has their own lives, and I don't want to be a crybaby. I don't want to trouble anyone, I want to be independent, not troubling anyone, able to hold myself. I don't want to worry or create problems to my husband, I just don't want to bring problems to anyone. Mostly, I don't want people to know that this is how I really feel. Lonely, scared, helpless.

Reality is, I can't. I feel so down I don't know how to handle it. I try to take my mind of it but I can't shake the feeling. Honestly, I can't see my life down the road from here. I don't know where I should or whether I would get a job, I don't know what I want, I don't know what will happen, and I'm stuck alone here for the next 1 year ahead. I tried to battle it, but everytime I tried I kept on going back to the negative energy.

I don't want the kids to see me like this. I want them to be happy, well fed, well taken care of, and sometimes I feel I'm incapable of doing such things. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I feel so scared. I want to be optimist again. InsyaAllah this feeling will go away soon. I'm praying that it would soon.

I know that I should depend on Allah for all things. The creator, the Almighty, the one I should love above all else. Maybe this is my punishment for taking the world for granted, for loving dunya more than the afterlife. I still wish to grow old with my husband, watching our kids grow together, go on holidays together, enjoy our life together. But I also realize that death is not in our hands, we just have to prepare ourselves to face it someday. Lately it has been bothering me. There are times that I do think of it, but this is the most severe.

InsyaAllah, Allah gives me and my husband a long life, a good physical and mental health, enough rizki to get by. InsyaAllah InsyaAllah.

Even though I still don't know what to do, and the feeling still lingers. I promise that I'll have courage. The courage to not be afraid. The courage to try and have hopes, stay positive. I can't lose to people whose life expectancy is in days but they maintain to feel positive. I must believe that Allah knows me better than anyone, that the tests He gives won't exceed what I can take. I must believe that whatever comes is made to make me stronger. I must believe that Allah's powers are beyond me.

I really don't know what can make me happy again. But I guess I should be happy that all is well for now. The secret to my happiness maybe is being thankful and being sincere. Sincerely accepts anything that comes in my way, and be thankful for every small thing in life. The kids, my husband, myself, my house. Nothing's perfect in life, but life itself is magic and something to be thankful of.

How I Feel Now

I am sort of pushed into being a housewife. Even though this is something that had crossed my mind in the past I never imagined it to be this hard. It all just seems so simple.

Wake up in the morning, prepare the kids, send them to school. While they were at school, I clean up, I cook, I shower. When they come back, I feed them, play with them. Afternoon go down to the playground, go back, take a shower, play a bit, then they go to sleep then I can clean up.

The reality is. I wake up, she refused to wake up, I dragged her out. She whines the whole bathing time. Then finally managed to send her down. Then I went back up, thinking what to cook. The second one woke up, whines and whines and God knows what she wants. Managed to get her to eat, bathed, and send her to school. Went back home, clean up my room, go to the kitchen, prepare food as quick as I can and before I know it it's time to pick them up. Please note I haven't had the time to bathe at all! One came back, managed to feed her a bit, then went back down to pick up the other one. When they got home, must change clothes, goes to toilet and everything. Lunch time was never easy. They mostly end up not finishing their food and I had to constantly remind them to CHEW! Then I took my shower. Then the small one took a nap, with me. The big one plays by herself, wrecking the living room. The small one wakes up, adds another mess. I woke up to a pile of dirty clothes, dirty dishes, dry clothes that haven't been taken off from the drying poles, messy dirty living room and kids who fight almost every 10 minutes. Evening came, I must bathe them, clothed them, and fed them. Repeating the morning routine with double trouble. They run around, screamed, etc, Bedtime, sometimes comes easy, sometimes ends up being my bedtime before theirs. Meaning, those unfinished businesses of mine will remain there til morning which adds to my headache.

Now I know what people say... No worries about the house, the kids comes first. Now let's see. When the kids bathe, they change clothes. When they pile up, it becomes house work. When they eat, they use utensils. When those pile up, it becomes house work. When they make a mess, the floor got dirty. If I let them be... God knows how long I'll be able to stand the stickiness and yuckiness. So... which part is NOT the kids again??

Initially, even til now, these have all add up to my frustration, anger, and all other negative feelings I have experienced. I realized these all are NOT healthy. Somehow I must make it stop. I am slowly learning how to do things effectively. Like the day before I have thought of what tomorrow's food will be. And if it's not ready to heat, that will be the first thing I'll prepare in the morning. I learned so many simple things that I dare not write cause they are all stupidly simple but since I've never done it before I don't even know.

I mostly blame people who are supposed to be there but isn't there. Easiest way out, but provides no real solution. I was mostly angry, of myself who couldn't do anything right, and my husband who is not even here at the time I needed him most. I forced myself countless times to believe that I can survive this somehow. I am still surviving, but not in a healthy way. How can I think positive when the house is a mess, the kids are a mess, and myself is stinky, sick and in a mess.

I am desperate, depressive, and feeling helpless. I am just so tired I feel like dropping everything and runs away. The only time I can think straight is right now. When I am alone, showered, in clean clothes, cold breeze, and everyone's asleep.

In the end I am facing the fact that I actually still want to work. I envy my friends who are out there working, making money for themselves. I just tell everyone that I'm okay staying home cause I'm taking a break because that's what they want to hear. I envy those whose husband is around. I am hiding myself from people who will judge me whiny and ungrateful wife so I try my best not to complain. Deep down inside I really don't want to be where I am now. So I guess this is the source of all my frustration. I never accepted my fate wholeheartedly.

I suppose this is one of my greatest test so far. Allah took everything that I have taken for granted temporarily. Allah left me all to myself and a little help from here and there. My biggest patience test which rewards are unseen but real nevertheless.

Everyday I feel so tired and exhausted mentally mostly. Initially it was fine, as day goes by, everything falls apart. I break down and cry and shout countless times. This is the one job that I know no one can cover for me.

I know, all sorrows will end someday and right now all I wanna do is just living this life happily. Not giving in to pressures and try to connect with the kids. The first thing that I need to do now is... take what is given to me sincerely, ikhlas. Don't expect something extraordinary, or outrageous. Just do it sincerely without any ifs. Cause ifs just ruin everything and adds to my frustration. Focus on what I need to do, taking care of the kids, and the house as much as I can to my ability. Don't think about what I could have done, just focus on what I can do for now. If I don't feel like it, hell, just say no.

Bismillah.

The Selfish Me

I'm selfish and I know it. Sometimes I think is it wrong to be selfish? Do I always have to pretend that I truly understand how others feel? Do I always need to pretend that  I am such an understanding wife and mom? Do I need to pretend that I am happy when he's happy? Do I need to pretend that I like your wife?

Well I'm not! I'm not understanding, I don't give a shaite of what you feel, I hate it when you're happy and I hate your wife cause she's too purfect and I just want to be happy. Me me me me!! No one else can have it!!!

I'm sure at some point we all feel this way. Tired of what people expect us to be. Tired of what life expects us to be. Tired of what we are brought into. Well at least I'm tired. I feel like throwing a tantrum just to get what I want.

But I don't say how I really feel. Why? Because that's what being a grown up is. We need to filter our emotions. Even though I'm bad at filtering, I still show my true feeling once in a while. And because life is not about what I want any more. There are so many little lives depending on it. I can't be selfish anymore..

I can't ask my husband not to go. Even if I say it he'll go anyway. Besides, it's good for him. Not good for me though. The main reason why I don't want him to go is I'm gonna be so lonely. And I hate feeling lonely. The other reasons are inferior to this. Selfish? Yes.

I can't tell him that I'm not happy when he's happy. I mean who am I to say such a thing? Is it because I'm jealous!? I don't think so. Is it a grudge? Hmmmm. It's one of those you are forgiven not forgotten moments. Where you just wishes him to sink  to the bottom of the world and you laugh on his face. Ok... Maybe a grudge over no apparent reason. Selfish? Yes.

I can't bring myself to like his wife. To make it worse, she's pretty and nice. Not my type of friends. Under normal circumstances she can be my friend. But as his wife? Nope! Selfish? Yes.

But it's a part of me and I can't immediately change into miss angel. Maybe what I can do is still be selfish but accept the fact. That i am selfish and i hate some things instead of pretending that I'm cool and chill with anything. I'm no saint. I'm just a selfish little me who'd like a little appreciation and love once in a while. Who'd want to be put first once in a while. Who has a grudge over 5 years and still not over it hahahahah

January 2015

Another year has gone by. Other challenges are waiting ahead of me. This year my husband is going to be stationed in Cambodia for 18 months!!

I was furious! Why us again? Why should it be him again? But I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be the wife holding him down just because I don't like being left behind. He talked with his boss and agreed that he can do 3wks there 1wk here. Which is not so bad. I calmed down. Starting to accept the fact. I still dislike it but I still have to live with it. Allah is testing my patience again. This time it's a more difficult test.

But I don't want to complain. As much as I can. I tried my best to look happy about it but truthfully I am still unsure how it would turn out. I'll just do it. InsyaAllah if I do it wholeheartedly Allah will make it easier.

I am trying my best to look at the bright side. At least he gets to come home every 3 wks. Some people are not so lucky. At least i have a helper at home. At least I'm working. At least I hope he gets new experiences.