Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Same Old Same Old

Beberapa bulan terakhir ini bener2 lagi digempur cobaan gw. Mulai dari DB, nyokap sakit, bokap masuk RS, gw keguguran, and now this. Masalah lama yang akarnya sama, my husband's character. Sebenarnya ga ada masalah sama karakternya di rumah, tapi kayanya kantornya ga suka sama karakternya. Konon terlalu lemah, kurang serius bekerja, terlalu cepat pulang, terlalu laambat datang, deliverables gak tepat waktu, ga punya semangat merebut kerjaan orang, menyebabkan terlihat kurang perform di tempat kerja.Yang mereka lihat ya itu.

Sejujurnya ya, suami gw tu baik. One of the nicest person I know. Compared to me he's a saint. He's a very gentle person, honest, willing to help (which they see as a minus, because he's doing things that is not needed). He might be a bit slow, often lost focus, often lost in things that interests him. All those good traits become a problem in the work place. In the workplace he's known as slow, indecisive, passive, not ambitious etc etc. While he's actually doing his job and letting his other colleagues grow instead of taking it all himself.

Why is it my problem? Yes, WHY? Just so happens his friend told me. Honestly I hate being told to interfere with my husband's work life. HATE IT! But somehow I got inolved and I felt that I'm the main accused for all his non performance. I was just depressed the whole night. Was it wrong for me to want my husband to be involved in my family's life? Was it wrong for me to ask him take me to the doctor when I'm awfully sick?

I don't want him to be a workaholic. It's not us, not our way of life, not our culture. I don't want him licking his boss' ass for the sake of good face. I don't want him to stress over money. I don't want him to become ambitious. I don't want him to neglect his family and put his work first.

I just feel so mad that I got dragged into this. I felt so mad that I have to lay bare all the excuses that I don't want to expose. I am just so MAD!  I just don't know what to do now, should I just handle everything myself (as if I haven't done so yet) and leave him out of everything... Even though I badly needed help I won't burden him? But that is exactly what I have been doing. These 2 years is my life exam. I felt that my world crumbled last year, and this year when I'm just picking myself up it crumbled again. I feel like such a failure, as a child as a wife as a mom. I didn't want to burden my parents so I burden my husband, but in the end that too is taken from me. That means I need to endure everything by myself again, as I've always been. I'm just so tired doing it for years.....

In the end, Allah will provide. I'm sure Allah knows best. He puts us to this test again, maybe it's an endurance test, endurance of patience. The people who thinks they are better, are not always right. May Allah gives me the patience and sincerety to go through it all. May Allah open the hearts of the people around us to accept us as we are. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Miscarriage at 10 Weeks

Well, right after the last time I posted my blog. I went to the toilet and when I wiped I saw brown blood and it kept coming out. I had brown blood before during my previous pregnancies but it wasn't anything like that. So I knew I was probably miscarried then.

Chronology
8 June
1 day before appointment. Wiped to see flowing brown blood. Went to A&E immediately. The doctor scanned me and found an empty sac. I've had 2 pregnancies and I knew something baby shaped should be formed by then and right there I knew it was a failed one. How I felt? Sad. Normal sadness not overwhelmingly sad. Cause I've some sort of feeling that this time it was just too good to be true. No sickness, a bit of nausea, random sickness. I cried a bit but I knew this was something I don't have control on. The embryo was never formed. So it was good that the body expelled it when it realized there was no baby. The doctor took my blood and told me to go for my appointment the next day.

9 June
I went to see Dr. Anita. She took my blood, and the result was my HcG had gone down which means the expelling process had started. My cervix was also opening up. So she gave me 1 dose of Cytotec to speed up the process. I was to come back 4 days later to see if it was a complete miscarriage. If before then I was haemorrhaging, I had to go straight away to A&E and they'd do emergency wash. Then I went home, and I took Cytotec at 9pm. After that I've had horrible cramps, not as bad as labor pains but worse than my usual menses cramps, she gave me Ponstan for painkillers and I took it. After approximately 2-3 hours cramping with no significant amount of blood finally at midnight the sac came out, it felt like a blob came out and I went to the toilet to check it out. It was round and intact, the water was still inside, empty, no embryo. I flushed it down the toilet. Changed my pad, topped it up with maternity pads. Cramping continues with blood clots kept coming out for about 45 minutes. Then subsided a bit. But large amount of blood kept coming out. I change pads 3 times that night. I was able to sleep because the cramp subsided.

10 June
I woke up around 6-7 am. Went to the toilet and one big blob came out which might be the placenta. After that the bleeding eased. I had sore tummy due to an all nighter cramping. I rested and felt light headed this day. Still cramping a bit.

11-12 June
I still had a feeling of lower abdominal pain, felt like my womb was pushing down if I stood too long or walked too long. It was so uncomfortable. On the 12th we went out because I felt better, the pain came on and off. These 2 days I noticed that my blood had a foul smell. 

13 June
Went to see the doctor. She checked my womb and showed me that most of the tissues were expelled, sac and placenta was completely expelled, and my cervix was already closed. It's now shedding some leftover tissues and the thickening layer of my womb. It measured about 12mm, in which the normal thickness of the womb during menses, means it will shed off eventually. If it was more than 15mm I might need to do a wash because it was too thick. She asked me if I didn't want another baby, I said I'm still open to the possibility before I'm 35. She said if that is so then it's fine, no need to wait for 1 cycle if I want to conceive again. Well, I think I'll just take my time though. She prescribed some antibiotics cos my blood was smelly, and I had a bit of abdominal pain. She suspected some mild infection or maybe nothing, but it's better to be safe. She then prescribed me 1 more dose of Cytotec to help shed the remaining faster. I took it at night, had a bit of cramps. The blood that came out wasn't as much.

14 June
I didn't have MC but I took the day off. I still felt the cramps on my pelvis and tailbone. I always have this cramps during my heaviest flow of menses but this lasted a few days. It felt like what we Indonesians call "masuk angin". Maybe it had something to do with the mild infection as well.

15 June
I was back to work, felt better, appetite is back. Still cramping especially when I sit down but improving, less blood, no more foul smell. 

16 June
Less cramps, lesser blood, feeling much better Alhamdulillah.

All in all I'd say that I've had an easy uneventful miscarriage Alhamdulillah. That in itself is a blessing. I also would say that after a miscarriage, even a natural one, takes approximately 1 week to heal your body. For 1 week you'd still have cramps, and I managed using Paracetamol and Ponstan. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

9 and 10 Weeks

The whole of 9 weeks I was nauseous and reached the top of my MS.. Which is bearable. My appetite was minimum and I throw up occasionally especially after meals. I caught flu sometime in the middle and I stayed home for 2 days. I vomited more and had no appetite the first few days of flu.

Entering the 10th week, the MS started to subside. My flu too, even though I still have some mucus, still nose blowing, and cough from time to time. I had a slightly brown mucous discharge a few days ago but I think it was not serious. It disappeapred after one day, and I had no cramps.
This week Ramadhan starts. I feel like I'm up for fasting, so I'm trying to fast every other day. So one day is for rehydration. Yesterday during fasting I had a mild cramp on the afternoon, which might be signs that I needed water. So today I'm trying my best to rehydrate for tomorrow.

I find that delaying telling people that I'm pregnant has a good effect on me. I feel like I don't need to cut my activities down. Just when I feel tired, I sleep. Plus I don't have a bunch of people telling me, don't do that, cut this down, don't do this, where I actually feel free to do the things that I feel is necessary. I don't have people pitying me just because I'm pregnant. Alhamdulilllah this first trimester has been good to me, that's why I don't need to quickly go and tell everyone. I think if I had some troubles, I would have told them sooner.

This Thursday is my first doctor appointment. I hope everything is well and normal. Will be posting the outcome!