Same Old Same Old

Beberapa bulan terakhir ini bener2 lagi digempur cobaan gw. Mulai dari DB, nyokap sakit, bokap masuk RS, gw keguguran, and now this. Masalah lama yang akarnya sama, my husband's character. Sebenarnya ga ada masalah sama karakternya di rumah, tapi kayanya kantornya ga suka sama karakternya. Konon terlalu lemah, kurang serius bekerja, terlalu cepat pulang, terlalu laambat datang, deliverables gak tepat waktu, ga punya semangat merebut kerjaan orang, menyebabkan terlihat kurang perform di tempat kerja.Yang mereka lihat ya itu.

Sejujurnya ya, suami gw tu baik. One of the nicest person I know. Compared to me he's a saint. He's a very gentle person, honest, willing to help (which they see as a minus, because he's doing things that is not needed). He might be a bit slow, often lost focus, often lost in things that interests him. All those good traits become a problem in the work place. In the workplace he's known as slow, indecisive, passive, not ambitious etc etc. While he's actually doing his job and letting his other colleagues grow instead of taking it all himself.

Why is it my problem? Yes, WHY? Just so happens his friend told me. Honestly I hate being told to interfere with my husband's work life. HATE IT! But somehow I got inolved and I felt that I'm the main accused for all his non performance. I was just depressed the whole night. Was it wrong for me to want my husband to be involved in my family's life? Was it wrong for me to ask him take me to the doctor when I'm awfully sick?

I don't want him to be a workaholic. It's not us, not our way of life, not our culture. I don't want him licking his boss' ass for the sake of good face. I don't want him to stress over money. I don't want him to become ambitious. I don't want him to neglect his family and put his work first.

I just feel so mad that I got dragged into this. I felt so mad that I have to lay bare all the excuses that I don't want to expose. I am just so MAD!  I just don't know what to do now, should I just handle everything myself (as if I haven't done so yet) and leave him out of everything... Even though I badly needed help I won't burden him? But that is exactly what I have been doing. These 2 years is my life exam. I felt that my world crumbled last year, and this year when I'm just picking myself up it crumbled again. I feel like such a failure, as a child as a wife as a mom. I didn't want to burden my parents so I burden my husband, but in the end that too is taken from me. That means I need to endure everything by myself again, as I've always been. I'm just so tired doing it for years.....

In the end, Allah will provide. I'm sure Allah knows best. He puts us to this test again, maybe it's an endurance test, endurance of patience. The people who thinks they are better, are not always right. May Allah gives me the patience and sincerety to go through it all. May Allah open the hearts of the people around us to accept us as we are.