I'm selfish and I know it. Sometimes I think is it wrong to be selfish? Do I always have to pretend that I truly understand how others feel? Do I always need to pretend that I am such an understanding wife and mom? Do I need to pretend that I am happy when he's happy? Do I need to pretend that I like your wife?
Well I'm not! I'm not understanding, I don't give a shaite of what you feel, I hate it when you're happy and I hate your wife cause she's too purfect and I just want to be happy. Me me me me!! No one else can have it!!!
I'm sure at some point we all feel this way. Tired of what people expect us to be. Tired of what life expects us to be. Tired of what we are brought into. Well at least I'm tired. I feel like throwing a tantrum just to get what I want.
But I don't say how I really feel. Why? Because that's what being a grown up is. We need to filter our emotions. Even though I'm bad at filtering, I still show my true feeling once in a while. And because life is not about what I want any more. There are so many little lives depending on it. I can't be selfish anymore..
I can't ask my husband not to go. Even if I say it he'll go anyway. Besides, it's good for him. Not good for me though. The main reason why I don't want him to go is I'm gonna be so lonely. And I hate feeling lonely. The other reasons are inferior to this. Selfish? Yes.
I can't tell him that I'm not happy when he's happy. I mean who am I to say such a thing? Is it because I'm jealous!? I don't think so. Is it a grudge? Hmmmm. It's one of those you are forgiven not forgotten moments. Where you just wishes him to sink to the bottom of the world and you laugh on his face. Ok... Maybe a grudge over no apparent reason. Selfish? Yes.
I can't bring myself to like his wife. To make it worse, she's pretty and nice. Not my type of friends. Under normal circumstances she can be my friend. But as his wife? Nope! Selfish? Yes.
But it's a part of me and I can't immediately change into miss angel. Maybe what I can do is still be selfish but accept the fact. That i am selfish and i hate some things instead of pretending that I'm cool and chill with anything. I'm no saint. I'm just a selfish little me who'd like a little appreciation and love once in a while. Who'd want to be put first once in a while. Who has a grudge over 5 years and still not over it hahahahah
