I used to love someone in my past. Occasionally he still comes to my dreams for no reason at all. Sometimes I think, there's no use wondering what will happen if we end up together because God has a plan for all of us.
If we're still meant to be, we will be, sometimes later. If we're doomed not to cross paths again, here and afterlife, then God will erase his traces in me.
So life will go on, have our own kids and we'll be happy in our own separate ways. So I guess, till we meet again, if God wills.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Being A Mother, A Wife, and A Woman
These past weeks since the baby comes out I think the baby blues have hit me and I've been thinking of unnecessary things, tiring over things, and despair over nothing.
Until I watched Sex and The City 2. Well it was a re-run. Back then I watched it as a continuum of my favorite show, just now I watched it like watching my life.
Carrie with her mid-wife crisis with Big, and Charlotte with her 2 girls, with one being in a terrible two phase.
My mid-wife crisis is that I find marriage life after two kids is boring and different. My husband seems to help less with this second one and left me running around here and there. While one of my friend who just birth her first child, the husband seemed very caring, helpful, they even stayed up late together! Me and husband fought over who needs to change diaper yada yada. I felt that he seems like happy with his own time alone, doing whatever it was, watching TV, playing computer. If I don't ask him to help he'd never help. I fought over my conscience that I ought to just let him alone, that it was my obligation as a good wife to take care of the kids and home, that he was tired from work etc.
I don't want to burden him with things that he doesn't want to do, and sometimes I wished he was someone else, someone more caring.
My revelation after this movie is... MEN ARE LIKE THAT! They like to stay home, laze around, watch TV, etc. WOMEN ARE LIKE ME! We question small things, we worry that we're doing something wrong, we worry that we disappoint the men. I find that I'm normal. So then I find that, I only need to ask if I want help. Despite his reluctant reaction he would still do it, and when they do it it's because they love us. Like what my husband said each and every time I complained that he frowned when I asked him to do things, "Well, I complained, but I got it done." I always thought it was such lame and unacceptable excuse. But I think he just couldn't rephrase it into something I want to hear.
So I guess from now on, whenever I feel like I need a helping hand, unless he looked pretty worn out it wouldn't hurt to ask.
My mid-mom crisis is that I just lost my temper every now and then. I feel like failing everytime. I fail to control my anger, I fail to control my kids, and God forbids I am dying for a me time. I sometimes wish I could be a loving dedicated mother. You know, the type who thinks "my kids are everything? Never despair for a me time, never wishes they would leave me alone for a while, unhappy when they are away at times, never yell at them, accept all their mistakes and not being mad at them, ready to make all necessary sacrifices for them. All of the above, are my list of ideal mom things I have failed to do in my point of view. After I watched Sex and The City, I found that it is normal. I am an adult human being, I need to sometimes be in an adult environment where I can discuss and talk over normal things which does not always concern kids. I need to have some meaningful conversation, laugh over trivial matters, watch movies which is NOT WALL E!!!
Over my role as a wife and a mother I need to be a woman. As much as I love my daughters and husband, I too love myself. And myself says I need a time off at times, I need help and I need breaks. As much as I want to be able to be a supermom, I want to be a normal woman even more. So I guess it's safe to say, before I was a mother and a wife, I had and always will be a woman next door.
Until I watched Sex and The City 2. Well it was a re-run. Back then I watched it as a continuum of my favorite show, just now I watched it like watching my life.
Carrie with her mid-wife crisis with Big, and Charlotte with her 2 girls, with one being in a terrible two phase.
My mid-wife crisis is that I find marriage life after two kids is boring and different. My husband seems to help less with this second one and left me running around here and there. While one of my friend who just birth her first child, the husband seemed very caring, helpful, they even stayed up late together! Me and husband fought over who needs to change diaper yada yada. I felt that he seems like happy with his own time alone, doing whatever it was, watching TV, playing computer. If I don't ask him to help he'd never help. I fought over my conscience that I ought to just let him alone, that it was my obligation as a good wife to take care of the kids and home, that he was tired from work etc.
I don't want to burden him with things that he doesn't want to do, and sometimes I wished he was someone else, someone more caring.
My revelation after this movie is... MEN ARE LIKE THAT! They like to stay home, laze around, watch TV, etc. WOMEN ARE LIKE ME! We question small things, we worry that we're doing something wrong, we worry that we disappoint the men. I find that I'm normal. So then I find that, I only need to ask if I want help. Despite his reluctant reaction he would still do it, and when they do it it's because they love us. Like what my husband said each and every time I complained that he frowned when I asked him to do things, "Well, I complained, but I got it done." I always thought it was such lame and unacceptable excuse. But I think he just couldn't rephrase it into something I want to hear.
So I guess from now on, whenever I feel like I need a helping hand, unless he looked pretty worn out it wouldn't hurt to ask.
My mid-mom crisis is that I just lost my temper every now and then. I feel like failing everytime. I fail to control my anger, I fail to control my kids, and God forbids I am dying for a me time. I sometimes wish I could be a loving dedicated mother. You know, the type who thinks "my kids are everything? Never despair for a me time, never wishes they would leave me alone for a while, unhappy when they are away at times, never yell at them, accept all their mistakes and not being mad at them, ready to make all necessary sacrifices for them. All of the above, are my list of ideal mom things I have failed to do in my point of view. After I watched Sex and The City, I found that it is normal. I am an adult human being, I need to sometimes be in an adult environment where I can discuss and talk over normal things which does not always concern kids. I need to have some meaningful conversation, laugh over trivial matters, watch movies which is NOT WALL E!!!
Over my role as a wife and a mother I need to be a woman. As much as I love my daughters and husband, I too love myself. And myself says I need a time off at times, I need help and I need breaks. As much as I want to be able to be a supermom, I want to be a normal woman even more. So I guess it's safe to say, before I was a mother and a wife, I had and always will be a woman next door.
2 Months with 2 Kids
I haven't touched this computer in such a loooong time. I do have some free time to sit in front of it, but it's usually very short while. To pay my bills mostly, and then after that.... "Ibu, ibu, I want to play a game" and there goes my computer session.
It is 1 am and I am surprisingly still awake. Hubby and 2 kids are sleeping. So no one is using the comp, YAY.
My two months have been busy, busy with adapting with new addition, new things, new school, new everything. SUddenly my maternity leave gone, just like that people!
First month I was sooo busy with the little one, with breastfeeding, engorgement, jaundice, etc. Second month I was busy with the big one, with new school, and illness.
I find myself stressed out at times, to a point where I am so frustrated and confused over what to do. I just feel lucky that I don't get lost in the way. I lost my nap, lost my me time, lost my sanity at times etc. I know I've got help at home, but sometimes these kids just want everything with me. They just kept pestering me that I've got to do it and no one else.
I will never again write in my CV, "able to perform tasks under stressing condition" because it turns out I am stressed out over 2 kids!
Today stress session 2 is finally releasing itself. The big one just broke her fever this morning after 6 consecutive days of fever. Fever is good I know, but it comes in a package with fussiness, blocked nose, cough, lost of appetite, lack of sleep, etc. So once it breaks, the big one will be running around and won't bother me so much for some time.
I am now enjoying my me time which only last for maybe 2 hours before my sleep and got to be ready for tomorrow's challenge. Geez God, don't they come with an instruction manual? hahahahaha
It is 1 am and I am surprisingly still awake. Hubby and 2 kids are sleeping. So no one is using the comp, YAY.
My two months have been busy, busy with adapting with new addition, new things, new school, new everything. SUddenly my maternity leave gone, just like that people!
First month I was sooo busy with the little one, with breastfeeding, engorgement, jaundice, etc. Second month I was busy with the big one, with new school, and illness.
I find myself stressed out at times, to a point where I am so frustrated and confused over what to do. I just feel lucky that I don't get lost in the way. I lost my nap, lost my me time, lost my sanity at times etc. I know I've got help at home, but sometimes these kids just want everything with me. They just kept pestering me that I've got to do it and no one else.
I will never again write in my CV, "able to perform tasks under stressing condition" because it turns out I am stressed out over 2 kids!
Today stress session 2 is finally releasing itself. The big one just broke her fever this morning after 6 consecutive days of fever. Fever is good I know, but it comes in a package with fussiness, blocked nose, cough, lost of appetite, lack of sleep, etc. So once it breaks, the big one will be running around and won't bother me so much for some time.
I am now enjoying my me time which only last for maybe 2 hours before my sleep and got to be ready for tomorrow's challenge. Geez God, don't they come with an instruction manual? hahahahaha
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