I have my ups and downs. These 2 wks weren't very good for me. I wasn't feeling very well, which adds up as my anxiety triggers. This unwell feeling, I couldn't help it, right? Yet I still blame myself. Why do I get sick so often, why can't I take care of myself. THIS SELF LOATHE is what I've been taught since I was young. That I always need to be mindful of others, but what about me? DO I even matter?? What I want, does it even matter?
I've been doing myself some self compassion meditations. One thing that I've realized, I was never taught on how to deal with emotions. I was only taught that negative emotions are bad and needs to be pushed away, positive emotions are good and needs to be nurtured. But we are human, we get sad, angry, stressed, happy, scared, excited, shame. See how there are more negatives than positives? Those things make us human.
I'm now learning what I should have learned as a kid. Recognizing my emotion and not pushing it away. Just let it flow, label it, and move forward with it.
What I have tried, and worked for me was, when the anxiety comes up I talked to it
Oh no, here it is again. You are scared? What are you scared of? Oh I see, you're scared of < >. It's ok, the last time we felt this way nothing happened right? So just take a deep breath and let's try this.
and
Oh, I'm shaking. it's ok to shake, you know. Nothing wrong with that. If people noticed, let it be. it's ok to feel ashamed. Let's try this.
I used to force these thoughts into my head. e.g. I'm shaking. shit, why shaking again? ok let it flow but it needs to stop soon. So i used to refuse all these emotions.
Now I'm learning to tell myself, it's ok to feel these emotions. Feeling doesn't have to be denied, or rationalized. It's ok to have anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, let's try this.
I needed someone to tell me this as a child. For now, that someone is me....
