[My Anxiety Journey] The ups and downs

 I have my ups and downs. These 2 wks weren't very good for me. I wasn't feeling very well, which adds up as my anxiety triggers. This unwell feeling, I couldn't help it, right? Yet I still blame myself. Why do I get sick so often, why can't I take care of myself. THIS SELF LOATHE is what I've been taught since I was young. That I always need to be mindful of others, but what about me? DO I even matter?? What I want, does it even matter?

I've been doing myself some self compassion meditations. One thing that I've realized, I was never taught on how to deal with emotions. I was only taught that negative emotions are bad and needs to be pushed away, positive emotions are good and needs to be nurtured. But we are human, we get sad, angry, stressed, happy, scared, excited, shame. See how there are more negatives than positives? Those things make us human.

I'm now learning what I should have learned as a kid. Recognizing my emotion and not pushing it away. Just let it flow, label it, and move forward with it. 

What I have tried, and worked for me was, when the anxiety comes up I talked to it

Oh no, here it is again. You are scared? What are you scared of? Oh I see, you're scared of < >. It's ok, the last time we felt this way nothing happened right? So just take a deep breath and let's try this. 

and    

Oh, I'm shaking. it's ok to shake, you know. Nothing wrong with that. If people noticed, let it be. it's ok to feel ashamed. Let's try this.

I used to force these thoughts into my head. e.g. I'm shaking. shit, why shaking again? ok let it flow but it needs to stop soon. So i used to refuse all these emotions. 

Now I'm learning to tell myself, it's ok to feel these emotions. Feeling doesn't have to be denied, or rationalized. It's ok to have anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, let's try this.

I needed someone to tell me this as a child. For now, that someone is me....

[My Anxiety Diary] Beginning of my journey

Few days ago...

I can feel that it's getting worse. My mood is at an all time low and I don't have confidence to do anything. I am scared of everything and everyone. I am functioning but it's just to occupy my mind. Nothing I do is enjoyable anymore. I have constant worry and it is so debilitating. I feel like crying and the whole day my muscle always tensed up.

I also don't know what I am unconsciously running away from. It is so scary because i don't know the cause, i don't know what's happening. I just want to go back to the way I was before, happy and content.

Now...

I downloaded DARE app in my phone. I am trying to embrace my anxiety. Allowing it to come in and at the same time bravely challenging it. I am scared of a lot of things but I'm not going to let it control me. I am mostly scared of disappointing other people and what they might think of me. I am today working from home because I have a psychologist appointment. I lied to my boss saying I need to go to my son's school. I feel so heavily guilty about it and it triggered my anxiety. I am scared he will scold me or fire me and he might think I'm lazy.

But then, so what? What if he doesn't even think that way about me? It's my life and I'm doing this for myself. I am more important than what people think of me. I accept that I have this anxiety, this worry. So bring it on. How bad could it be? Muscle tension, unable to move, shaking, panic,sweating, bring it on.

And now I am writing at present.. yeah, no one is harming me, I am safe. I am just thinking about things that has not happened.

I am safe

I am enough

I am important

I don't have to be perfect

[My Anxiety Diary] What Happened?

 Just to clarify, I have not been officially diagnosed with anxiety but I have a high suspicion that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder. I am still monitoring myself and trying my best to cope.

I think it all started because of the pandemic. I had been working non stop since 2020. As WFH became the norm, it became more difficult to take leave. Since you can't go out of the country, it became general knowledge that when you take leave you were most probably lazying around. All these stresses build up and became a source of my anxiety and panic attack.

Stress work induced is real and it's not just the common saying, "Oh, work is so stressful". No, the stress is something that is affecting your day to day life. Constant worry, overthinking, constant anxiety, panicking when you're rushed. Imagine living like this every day, it is so painful.

I'm now at the stage of panicking for even small matters, like replying an email, hosting a meeting, discussing work with colleague. I break into cold sweat, shaking, shivering, can't focus, feels like breaking down. I also have a walking issue which I don't know why and it's causing some insecurities on me. I constantly worry about what other people think of me, so young and walking like this, so slow and wobbly. Maybe it's all just in my head but I can't help myself. Which is why now I panic if i'm in a crowded place where I feel everyone is watching me.

It was at peak when we had gathering at my friend's house. I had then realized I also have Social Anxiety. I think I basically panic under stress or when various thoughts come into my mind. I tried to stay calm but in the end I had a panic attack. Then suddenly everyone crowded around me worrying. God, I hated it. People asking me what's wrong, asking me to have a check up, etc. I appreciate it, but just give me some space. I too don't know what's going on. I hated showing people my weak side. 

I tend to be an introvert my whole life. I had many friends, but I open up to very few of them. My husband, thankfully is one of them. I've always thought I could handle everything myself, I'm strong, I've lasted so far with no breakdown. I have trust issues. I don't want people to pity me, make my life a story to share. My story is mine to tell, not yours. Which is why I'm very cautious. 

I then realized why the people who suffer from mental illness are the caring ones, the good ones, the strong ones, the nice ones. They don't want to burden other people and choose to suffer by themselves. I told my husband, "Why is it so hard to be a good person? To be forgiving, to care, to listen, to always smile, to be patient, it is just so hard to do if it's eating you inside. Because by doing all these, people use you, take advantage of you, hurt you. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer by being good". We as Muslims say, Ikhlas. But it is so so hard.

At times like this I realize, La hawla wa la quwwata illa billahi. There is no power nor strength except by Allah the Lofty, the Great".

I was never strong, Allah lent me His power. He can lend it and take it back whenever He wants. At times like this I just feel so weak and insignificant, and truly my body is not my own completely. I'm still learning to accept things, that I may limp for the rest of my life, that I have anxiety, that I'm not as healthy as I want to be. I need to stop caring that people think i'm weak, or lazy, or sick. Because it's ok not to be perfect or healthy or weak. It's ok not to be strong. It's ok not to be able to do everything. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to admit that I'm not OK. It's ok to be angry, or cry.