Thursday, May 10, 2018

When I'm Being Insecure

I'm not young anymore for being in a workforce. Having kids automatically put me in that not young category. I'm tied up. With responsibilities and constant worrying. My mind is basically all over the place. And now I'm just being insecure.

The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.

I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.

So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.

My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Birth Story #3

Remember my last post 38wks ++?? Well shortly after that i had continuous contractions and gave birth before midnight LOL. Exactly at 38+1 wk.

So on that day, 19 June 2017, after the check up and the membrane sweep I went back to the office and wrote that blog. I was determined to wrap up my part of the report before my maternity leave which I expected to start a few days later. So I had my lunch and in the meantime I was having continuous contractions. I of course timed them as usual. Initially it was every 10 minutes for half an hour and increased to every 6-5minutes lasted about 40-60 secs, which I blamed on the sweep. And so I waited... and browsed... and still writing my report... 1 o clock and it persisted. I suddenly had the continuous urge to pee and every time I walked to the toilet I still got contractions regularly. I ate, I drank so much it still persists. At this point I was doubting myself, is it possible that it's the real thing and the sweep actually induced it?

I started asking my friends who had sweep before. One of them had it similar, but hers were just 20mins apart which means mine were the real thing!!! I called the labor ward they asked me to come in. Finally at 3 pm I called my husband and asked him to pick me up. In the meantime I was chit chatting with friends while contracting every 5mins and they were all scared I was going to pop there and then. I knew it won't be that fast so I was still relaxed. It was still bearable even though it was starting to get painful. My husband reached office around 4pm and we went to the hospital. The parking lot was far so he asked me to go in first. I told him I'd wait for him outside A&E rather than going in too soon and we need to pay for labor ward LOL.

So we went in, told the A&E officer that I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so then they pushed me to the labor ward. I changed into the hospital gown and peed where I saw a lot of blood which means labor is on its way. Up to this point it all felt surreal, too fast. The doctor in charge was checking me inside, she said it was still tight and baby was still high (same with Rana previously). My contractions were pretty regular though. I was 4cm dilated by this point. Not too painful yet. She called my gynae, and told me that they were going to burst my water bag. Asked me if I had considered any pain killer aka epidural. I said will it be bad after water is broken? she said most definitely, so it was the time if I wanted to do it. At that time I was almost 5cm dilated if I'm not wrong, it was around 6pm. Then the anesthesist injected the epidural. By this time contractions were more intense and shorter. After it was all done my gynae came and checked everything, she burst my water bag and since it was still a little tight she said she's gonna head home first. Meaning baby is not coming out in a short while.

This time round the epidural only numb my area on the right side. From below the waist I feel nothing on both sides. However on my left side I could feel all contractions. The doctors and nurses left me since 7 pm, checking occasionally. The last time they checked was at 8pm. I couldn't sleep. I could stll feel all contractions on the left side. Bram was sleeping soundly though. Every hour I called the nurse to ask when is the doctor coming. Then around 10 pm the doctor came and checked, I was fully dilated! However head was still high, so they asked me to push slowly while waiting for Dr Anita to come. They said will be coming in 20 minutes.

Within that 20 mins I kept pushing, and I could feel him coming. With each push I could feel the contractions getting stronger, then I started screaming, I can't hold it, I need to keep pushing. Dr Anita came at the last minute. As she was changing into her gown, they lowered my bed because the baby was sliding out while she was still changing. She held him just in time to twist his shoulder around. Then he was born. He was perfect. He weighed 2.975kg. Cried so loud until he was placed on my breast and his dad sang him the adzan. Then he stopped crying.

Afterwards Dr Anita said my bleeding didn't stop, my uterus wasn't contracting back as quickly as it was supposed to. She put me on drip and under observation for 1 hour in the labor ward. Then she stitched me. After 1 hour I was cleared to go to the normal ward. As the nurse took out the bag which held my blood I was so shocked. It was A LOT!

I really think I'll miss this experience because I truly hope this will be my last time giving birth. Each and every one of them is precious and I remember them all vividly.

With Love
Altair Ramadhan Rauf

Thursday, October 5, 2017


Saya selalu berpikir bahwa saya adalah seorang feminis.

Itu dulu.

Sekarang saya sadar, feminisme itu tidak ada gunanya hahahahahaha. Saya bukan mendadak jadi ekstrimis ya, yang berpendapat wanita cocoknya di rumah, dapur dan kasur saja. Namun kenyataannya dunia ini tidak adil memang, dan ada yang harus selalu dikorbankan.

Wanita ketika sudah menikah, mengurus suami, masih bisa disambi. Tantangannya adalah ketika sudah punya anak. Terlalu banyak yang dipertaruhkan dan pada titik ini seorang wanita harus memilih prioritas, karir atau anak dan keluarga. Idealnya adalah bekerja di perusahaan yang memfasilitasi wanita berkeluarga, dengan memberi cuti lebih banyak dan leluasa misalnya, jam kerja fleksibel. Tapi realistis deh, berapa banyak perusahaan macam ini? Atau perusahaan yang memberi banyak kelonggaran pada wanita. Biasanya kalau ada pun kemungkinan karir mandek, gaji gak naik-naik, dan tidak besar penghasilannya.

Kemana itu perginya kesetaraan di tempat kerja bagi wanita dan lelaki. Bisa melakukan pekerjaan dengan kualitas yang sama kuantitas yang sama. Sebenernya kalau mau disetarakan setarakan ke bawah, lelaki diberi kelonggaran sama dengan wanita. Kembali pada realitas, perusahaan yang karyawannya macam ini kalau gak maju-maju ya ga berkembang.

Saya sekarang sih cari kerja gak muluk-muluk deh. Gaji udh prioritas nomer sekian. Prioritas pertama fleksibilitas jam kerja, bosnya baik apa gak, lokasi kerja, baru gaji. Kayanya lama-lama gaji berapapun asal cukup buat ngisi kegiatan dan uang saku saya terima deh.
Begitulah feminisme, semakin dihadapkan realita semakin tak mungkin. Karena kalau mau disetarakan dengan lelaki, kita gak perlu bereproduksi. Sekalian aja. Bukannya wanita tidak mampu, kita mampu. Namun karena lingkungan tidak mendukung dan realitanya berat sekali menyeimbangkan semuanya. Saya saja yang jam kerjanya dihitung fleksibel bgt, ga pernah dinas2 meninggalkan anak masih keteteran. Gimana yang sibuk banget?

Wanita seharusnya bukan dicap seharusnya di rumah, tapi diperbolehkan jika memilih tidak mau bekerja, dan jika memilih itu posisinya tidak lebih tinggi dan tidak lebih rendah dari wanita lain. Semua ini masalah pilihan.

Pada akhirnya saya menerima kalau wanita dan lelaki punya posisi masing-masing di masyarakat. Yang di rumah tidak lebih buruk yang bekerja tidak lebih baik. Namun baik juga sih kalau berkegiatan atau punya bisnis sendiri, sebagai wadah wanita untuk mengembangkan diri.

Monday, June 19, 2017

38Wk ++

Loads of BH contractions for the past 2 weeks. Mostly ranging every 20-30minutes to 1 hour. This past week it had become more painful which I can feel in my sleep. I got lots of tightening which I have no idea if it's BH or it's just last tri pain. But those that comes with pain and cramps and backpain I categorized into BH. It didn't increase in intensity or coming closer.

This morning was my Obgyn appointment. I didn't gain weight at all since my last appointment 10 days ago. His weight must have stabilized to get ready for birth. My cervix was open, dilated about 2 cm and she helped me with membrane sweep to hasten the pace. We'll see in a few days whether I go into labor. With Asha I went into labor 4 days after I was dilated, with Rana was also similar. I hope this one comes before Hari Raya.

Bismillah. May Allah ease things for me and given me and the baby perfect health and condition during labor and beyond.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

36 Weeks ++

This week I can feel the baby's head is further down my pelvis. The movements are also much much lower. These few days I can feel BH coming more frequent and painful.

Konon bayi diatas 36minggu gerakannya makin sedikit. Bayi ini kyny gak gitu deh. Tendangannya msh kenceng, sikutannya masih kuat. Saking rutinnya bergerak gw sampe ga ngitungin 10 gerakan dlm 12 jam... Kadang kalo gerak bikin kram peruuuuttt. BH contractions ada kali sekitar 0.5-1 jam sekali. Gatau deh maksudnya apa, ntar lagi brojol apa ga ngefek hahahahaha.
Yang jelas ga enak bgt. Kalo lg BH contractions lg jalan rasanya kenceng, pelvis berat, dan kadang kepalanya ky mo jatuh ke bawah. Belum lagi kadang2 gw bisa merasakan tulangnya bergesekan dengan tulang pelvis gw. Asli ngeri bin ngilu!!

Masih ngantor, jalan kaya siput, makan udh mulai enak (lagi), masalah ambe datang dan pergi tp selama gw bener2 ga makan pedes plus rutin makan pepaya sih sejauh ini udah ga bengkak dan sakit lagi. Pas boker sih masih keluar tapi terus masuk lagi. Kaki mulai agak bengkak, sejak beberapa minggu lalu. Kenaikan timbangan sekitar 7-8 kg. Rekor terkecil bgt ini mah. Udah mulai gampang cape, alhamdulillah tidur masih nyaman (kan ada tu

Appointment sama dokter masih 3 hari lg. Mudah2an pas dicek udh ada bukaan ato udh menipis gitu cervix liningnya. One can only hope, but the decision is never mine *sigh. Harus banyak2 doa ajalah ini sih.

Monday, May 8, 2017

32 Wks +++

I did my last scan and my check up this morning.

Some updates:

- Baby is head down, in a correct position (that explains all the pressure down below)
- He weighs 1.9kg, about 43 percentile, all other measurements were normal, averaging in 37 percentile which means he's not too big not too small. However his femur length was on the 80 percentile which means he's got long legs.
- Still a boy XD, his elephant and his balls were clearly seen.
- To my husband's utter disappointment his nose seems to follow mine but who knows right?

My hemorrhoid is much much better Alhamdulillah. Still a little itchy after I pass motion and it still came out but afterwards will go back in. I religiously stick to the non spicy diet and consume more water and some servings of yogurt and fruits every day. The doctor was more concerned about my low blood count. During my 12 wk blood test it was 10.9, now it went down to 10.7. So she perscribed a higher dosage of iron pill. She also continued my Daflon to take every day plus the stool softener.

I can feel the baby's weight on my pelvis. Getting more difficult to walk now because everytime I walk he will wiggle and stretch and hit a nerve which is just so uncomfortable. If he's not moving it's just heavy. He is definitely hanging low.

Next appointment is in 2 more weeks. Getting closer to my D-day! I am so anxious. Hopefully this one will come early too! I don't think I can bear carrying this weight everywhere I go for 8 more weeks!!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

30 Wks +++

All these happened last week.. Because I was in so much pain I only managed to write about it now.

Long story short.. On Thursday, my piles came back, with a VENGEANCE! IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

Thursday (27 Apr)
- Morning passed motion. Piles came out as usual, I pushed it back in. Some came out and I just brushed it aside. Went to NTU, went to have lunch, went to NUH. I notice it had become more painful. When I saw my gynae she said it really looked bad and when I went to the toilet, touched it, the ones that came out were big!! My gynae gave me Daflon and lactulose since I still had the cream. I couldn't push it back in, it was hardened and painful.

I couldn't move! Sitting down irritates it, walking irritates it. All I could do was lay down. I was in so much pain otherwise. Going to pee was also painful. I didn't even have any desire to pass motion. I was hoping it would shrink soon.

It was still painful. Some part shrunk but most of it were still bulging. I tried soaking my butt in warm water which relieved it for a moment. Then to avoid friction I wrapped the piles in gauze. Which HURT when I took them off.

No progress. The piles started to bleed for no reason at all. I had to wear my menses pad on my back side to absorb the blood. I thought the piles popped. It kept on bleeding and I kept on sleeping on my sides. Some piles have shrunk but the front piles was as hard as ever without any signs of getting smaller.

Felt like the piles were smaller because I could sit! Then I went to Gardens by the bay with some friends having picnic. Reached home, soaked my butt in the basin and the blood was dripping and the piles skin was hanging down my butt! OMG! I was horrified and it stung. So I slept and let it rest.

I couldn't go to work again. The piles were still bloody and I wondered whether it was time for me to go to A&E and had it checked out. Since the bleeding kept on going. SO I WENT. I got there, saw the doctor, she took a look and said, "OK. I'm gonna try to push it back in" AND TO MY HORROR SHE DID!!! I CRIED AND SCREAMED. Halfway she stopped and told the nurse, "we'll stop first, give her some lidocaine gel and leave it on for a while then we'll try again " (I was still sobbing). So I waited about 30 minutes and I was pessimistic the numbing gel would work. And so she came back in again, and NO, the numbing gel DIDN'T HELP. She pushed it in all the way telling me to relax (WTH!?).
After that, the piles stayed in. I felt a slight relief but it was still a bit painful and stung.
She said the piles which stayed outside don't get the blood flow moving. Which makes it trapped there. And the bleeding was due to constant friction. I've had external piles before, they also bled, but resolved by itself in a few days. I suspected due to my ever growing belly the blood flow to my butt was not as it has always been, which caused it to delay the healing process. Piles were in but it still hurt to sit. So I lay sideways in the car on the way home.

I was on sick leave. I was feeling better. Tried to pass motion and managed to without irritating my existing piles. It did came out but soft enough to push back in. I was having second thoughts about going to colorectal specialist. I knew I needed to get moving to get my blood flowing to my butt. I am trying to keep my diet as fibrous as possible. I am going to eliminate chilli and spicy food from my diet, meat for a while, chips, heaty food, minimize carbs. I'm only taking DHA supplements, stopping iron and calcium for the moment. I'm taking garlic pills, vitamin C. I expect to do this all the way to my delivery date. For the sake of not suffering the same fate ever again. At least I want to prevent it from flaring up in this pregnancy.

So, lessons learned, whatever happens, keep that piles in, If you can't keep it in. DO NOT MOVE until it's back in. If it doesn't, just apply creams and limit movement. On every onset of piles, STOP spicy food for a time period. It's better than the pain over external bleeding hard piles.