Just to clarify, I have not been officially diagnosed with anxiety but I have a high suspicion that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder. I am still monitoring myself and trying my best to cope.
I think it all started because of the pandemic. I had been working non stop since 2020. As WFH became the norm, it became more difficult to take leave. Since you can't go out of the country, it became general knowledge that when you take leave you were most probably lazying around. All these stresses build up and became a source of my anxiety and panic attack.
Stress work induced is real and it's not just the common saying, "Oh, work is so stressful". No, the stress is something that is affecting your day to day life. Constant worry, overthinking, constant anxiety, panicking when you're rushed. Imagine living like this every day, it is so painful.
I'm now at the stage of panicking for even small matters, like replying an email, hosting a meeting, discussing work with colleague. I break into cold sweat, shaking, shivering, can't focus, feels like breaking down. I also have a walking issue which I don't know why and it's causing some insecurities on me. I constantly worry about what other people think of me, so young and walking like this, so slow and wobbly. Maybe it's all just in my head but I can't help myself. Which is why now I panic if i'm in a crowded place where I feel everyone is watching me.
It was at peak when we had gathering at my friend's house. I had then realized I also have Social Anxiety. I think I basically panic under stress or when various thoughts come into my mind. I tried to stay calm but in the end I had a panic attack. Then suddenly everyone crowded around me worrying. God, I hated it. People asking me what's wrong, asking me to have a check up, etc. I appreciate it, but just give me some space. I too don't know what's going on. I hated showing people my weak side.
I tend to be an introvert my whole life. I had many friends, but I open up to very few of them. My husband, thankfully is one of them. I've always thought I could handle everything myself, I'm strong, I've lasted so far with no breakdown. I have trust issues. I don't want people to pity me, make my life a story to share. My story is mine to tell, not yours. Which is why I'm very cautious.
I then realized why the people who suffer from mental illness are the caring ones, the good ones, the strong ones, the nice ones. They don't want to burden other people and choose to suffer by themselves. I told my husband, "Why is it so hard to be a good person? To be forgiving, to care, to listen, to always smile, to be patient, it is just so hard to do if it's eating you inside. Because by doing all these, people use you, take advantage of you, hurt you. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer by being good". We as Muslims say, Ikhlas. But it is so so hard.
At times like this I realize, La hawla wa la quwwata illa billahi. There is no power nor strength except by Allah the Lofty, the Great".
I was never strong, Allah lent me His power. He can lend it and take it back whenever He wants. At times like this I just feel so weak and insignificant, and truly my body is not my own completely. I'm still learning to accept things, that I may limp for the rest of my life, that I have anxiety, that I'm not as healthy as I want to be. I need to stop caring that people think i'm weak, or lazy, or sick. Because it's ok not to be perfect or healthy or weak. It's ok not to be strong. It's ok not to be able to do everything. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to admit that I'm not OK. It's ok to be angry, or cry.
