One of Them days

This is one of them days..

Counting days to end of contract with no new job in hand. Not even one reply, let alone an interview. It is true though. When it's not yours not even a single cent comes your way.

I am desperate. I have loans to pay... I desperately need to work.

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I left the above on draft on Thursday. After writing it, I watched a kdrama to take my mind off of it. By Thursday evening my husband presented to me an opportunity, a job. He has been going around telling people that his wife (ME) is looking for a job and was a pipeline engineer. It so happens that his company was bidding for a trenching job and the PM in charge knows me. The PM is an indonesian and the PM from the other side is also an Indonesian. They exchanged stories and he said he desperately was looking for an engineer for his project and has to be a local. He told my husband, called the PM and passed the phone to my husband.  They were talking and in the end he told him that I'd call him later.

When he picked me up, we sat inside the car and I called him. He asked me to send my cv for him to look at. On Friday, I was holding a tahsin in my house, my husband called and said the PM was waiting for my CV. I quickly rushed and pulled one of my most detailed CV with project names and all and sent it to him.

Shortly he asked me when can I come for interview and I said Monday. On Monday I went for it and asked to join by the next week. I said I couldn't and in the end we agreed on a part time basis for this month. I completed the contract signing and the medcheck today.
The salary is not bad, benefit wise not attractive, work life balance doesn't seem that good. It's a 6 months contract only. I am not in a position to choose. I had prayed every daaaay for the best way from Allah and this is the answer. I trust in Allah's choice. So far all that He has given me has enriched my life one way or the other.

The salary is good for me to save up. I had some nazaar. one of it that I truly remember was I nazaar to go on umra in 2 years time. Waiting until Alta grows up a bit more so I can leave him. So maybe by this Allah is inviting me to save up for umra. Insya Allah

"Which of Allah's favours can we deny?"

When I'm Being Insecure

I'm not young anymore for being in a workforce. Having kids automatically put me in that not young category. I'm tied up. With responsibilities and constant worrying. My mind is basically all over the place. And now I'm just being insecure.

The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.

I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.

So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.

My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.