Same Old Same Old

Beberapa bulan terakhir ini bener2 lagi digempur cobaan gw. Mulai dari DB, nyokap sakit, bokap masuk RS, gw keguguran, and now this. Masalah lama yang akarnya sama, my husband's character. Sebenarnya ga ada masalah sama karakternya di rumah, tapi kayanya kantornya ga suka sama karakternya. Konon terlalu lemah, kurang serius bekerja, terlalu cepat pulang, terlalu laambat datang, deliverables gak tepat waktu, ga punya semangat merebut kerjaan orang, menyebabkan terlihat kurang perform di tempat kerja.Yang mereka lihat ya itu.

Sejujurnya ya, suami gw tu baik. One of the nicest person I know. Compared to me he's a saint. He's a very gentle person, honest, willing to help (which they see as a minus, because he's doing things that is not needed). He might be a bit slow, often lost focus, often lost in things that interests him. All those good traits become a problem in the work place. In the workplace he's known as slow, indecisive, passive, not ambitious etc etc. While he's actually doing his job and letting his other colleagues grow instead of taking it all himself.

Why is it my problem? Yes, WHY? Just so happens his friend told me. Honestly I hate being told to interfere with my husband's work life. HATE IT! But somehow I got inolved and I felt that I'm the main accused for all his non performance. I was just depressed the whole night. Was it wrong for me to want my husband to be involved in my family's life? Was it wrong for me to ask him take me to the doctor when I'm awfully sick?

I don't want him to be a workaholic. It's not us, not our way of life, not our culture. I don't want him licking his boss' ass for the sake of good face. I don't want him to stress over money. I don't want him to become ambitious. I don't want him to neglect his family and put his work first.

I just feel so mad that I got dragged into this. I felt so mad that I have to lay bare all the excuses that I don't want to expose. I am just so MAD!  I just don't know what to do now, should I just handle everything myself (as if I haven't done so yet) and leave him out of everything... Even though I badly needed help I won't burden him? But that is exactly what I have been doing. These 2 years is my life exam. I felt that my world crumbled last year, and this year when I'm just picking myself up it crumbled again. I feel like such a failure, as a child as a wife as a mom. I didn't want to burden my parents so I burden my husband, but in the end that too is taken from me. That means I need to endure everything by myself again, as I've always been. I'm just so tired doing it for years.....

In the end, Allah will provide. I'm sure Allah knows best. He puts us to this test again, maybe it's an endurance test, endurance of patience. The people who thinks they are better, are not always right. May Allah gives me the patience and sincerety to go through it all. May Allah open the hearts of the people around us to accept us as we are. 

Miscarriage at 10 Weeks

Well, right after the last time I posted my blog. I went to the toilet and when I wiped I saw brown blood and it kept coming out. I had brown blood before during my previous pregnancies but it wasn't anything like that. So I knew I was probably miscarried then.

Chronology
8 June
1 day before appointment. Wiped to see flowing brown blood. Went to A&E immediately. The doctor scanned me and found an empty sac. I've had 2 pregnancies and I knew something baby shaped should be formed by then and right there I knew it was a failed one. How I felt? Sad. Normal sadness not overwhelmingly sad. Cause I've some sort of feeling that this time it was just too good to be true. No sickness, a bit of nausea, random sickness. I cried a bit but I knew this was something I don't have control on. The embryo was never formed. So it was good that the body expelled it when it realized there was no baby. The doctor took my blood and told me to go for my appointment the next day.

9 June
I went to see Dr. Anita. She took my blood, and the result was my HcG had gone down which means the expelling process had started. My cervix was also opening up. So she gave me 1 dose of Cytotec to speed up the process. I was to come back 4 days later to see if it was a complete miscarriage. If before then I was haemorrhaging, I had to go straight away to A&E and they'd do emergency wash. Then I went home, and I took Cytotec at 9pm. After that I've had horrible cramps, not as bad as labor pains but worse than my usual menses cramps, she gave me Ponstan for painkillers and I took it. After approximately 2-3 hours cramping with no significant amount of blood finally at midnight the sac came out, it felt like a blob came out and I went to the toilet to check it out. It was round and intact, the water was still inside, empty, no embryo. I flushed it down the toilet. Changed my pad, topped it up with maternity pads. Cramping continues with blood clots kept coming out for about 45 minutes. Then subsided a bit. But large amount of blood kept coming out. I change pads 3 times that night. I was able to sleep because the cramp subsided.

10 June
I woke up around 6-7 am. Went to the toilet and one big blob came out which might be the placenta. After that the bleeding eased. I had sore tummy due to an all nighter cramping. I rested and felt light headed this day. Still cramping a bit.

11-12 June
I still had a feeling of lower abdominal pain, felt like my womb was pushing down if I stood too long or walked too long. It was so uncomfortable. On the 12th we went out because I felt better, the pain came on and off. These 2 days I noticed that my blood had a foul smell. 

13 June
Went to see the doctor. She checked my womb and showed me that most of the tissues were expelled, sac and placenta was completely expelled, and my cervix was already closed. It's now shedding some leftover tissues and the thickening layer of my womb. It measured about 12mm, in which the normal thickness of the womb during menses, means it will shed off eventually. If it was more than 15mm I might need to do a wash because it was too thick. She asked me if I didn't want another baby, I said I'm still open to the possibility before I'm 35. She said if that is so then it's fine, no need to wait for 1 cycle if I want to conceive again. Well, I think I'll just take my time though. She prescribed some antibiotics cos my blood was smelly, and I had a bit of abdominal pain. She suspected some mild infection or maybe nothing, but it's better to be safe. She then prescribed me 1 more dose of Cytotec to help shed the remaining faster. I took it at night, had a bit of cramps. The blood that came out wasn't as much.

14 June
I didn't have MC but I took the day off. I still felt the cramps on my pelvis and tailbone. I always have this cramps during my heaviest flow of menses but this lasted a few days. It felt like what we Indonesians call "masuk angin". Maybe it had something to do with the mild infection as well.

15 June
I was back to work, felt better, appetite is back. Still cramping especially when I sit down but improving, less blood, no more foul smell. 

16 June
Less cramps, lesser blood, feeling much better Alhamdulillah.

All in all I'd say that I've had an easy uneventful miscarriage Alhamdulillah. That in itself is a blessing. I also would say that after a miscarriage, even a natural one, takes approximately 1 week to heal your body. For 1 week you'd still have cramps, and I managed using Paracetamol and Ponstan. 

9 and 10 Weeks

The whole of 9 weeks I was nauseous and reached the top of my MS.. Which is bearable. My appetite was minimum and I throw up occasionally especially after meals. I caught flu sometime in the middle and I stayed home for 2 days. I vomited more and had no appetite the first few days of flu.

Entering the 10th week, the MS started to subside. My flu too, even though I still have some mucus, still nose blowing, and cough from time to time. I had a slightly brown mucous discharge a few days ago but I think it was not serious. It disappeapred after one day, and I had no cramps.
This week Ramadhan starts. I feel like I'm up for fasting, so I'm trying to fast every other day. So one day is for rehydration. Yesterday during fasting I had a mild cramp on the afternoon, which might be signs that I needed water. So today I'm trying my best to rehydrate for tomorrow.

I find that delaying telling people that I'm pregnant has a good effect on me. I feel like I don't need to cut my activities down. Just when I feel tired, I sleep. Plus I don't have a bunch of people telling me, don't do that, cut this down, don't do this, where I actually feel free to do the things that I feel is necessary. I don't have people pitying me just because I'm pregnant. Alhamdulilllah this first trimester has been good to me, that's why I don't need to quickly go and tell everyone. I think if I had some troubles, I would have told them sooner.

This Thursday is my first doctor appointment. I hope everything is well and normal. Will be posting the outcome! 

End of 2nd Month

Akhirnya testpack lagi di H+14 garisnya 2 dan tebal! Jadi insyaAllah hamil.

At the end of week 6 after I tested with a thick line I called NUH to make an appointment. I was shocked. I asked for rates. It's like... 50% more expensive from 4 years ago! I used to go to Dr. Su Lin Lin. Now for first appointment she's charged S$130. For 5th month package onwards it's S$986. That is really double compared to 4 years ago which was only S$550. Well, she is now one of the senior consultants.. that's why her charges went up. So I decided to go to Dr. Anita. During the time that Dr. Su was away she was the substitute doc, and when I gave birth she was my delivering doctor. And I felt comfortable with her. PLUS her charges is cheaper. For first appointment the charges is S$110. For 5th month package onwards it's S$770. BUT she only has slot on 9th JUNE! I called on 5th MAY which means I have to wait 1 month. By the time I go for my first appointment I will be almost 11 weeks InsyaAllah.

So some recaps from my last 3 weeks..

Week 6

Still no sickness. I had a craving for meat in this week. But I could only eat a small portion of food. Once I overeat it will go back out. But if I keep it minimum I'd be fine. I tend to cry than get angry. Constipated as usual despite the fact that I have fruits for breakfast everyday.

Week 7
Some queasiness but still bearable. Doublemint candies help me fight the queasiness. I start taking some obimin since I feel my brain is jumbled up. But I only take it every 2 days, cos everytime I take it I'd feel nauseous the whole day. In this week I too feel more tired than usual at night. Durinng the day I was still good.I also get light headed especially from sitting/laying down to standing position. I think my blood pressure was very low.

Week 8

My worst sickness week by far. The nausea is worse at times that either I eat or not it's still there lasting the whole day. Now during the day especially during a day out on weekends I tire easily as well but in the office I'm still good. I have random cravings, but mostly I like salty things. For now I'm staying away from chocolates. This weekI don't vomit much but I have no appetite... I just eat to survive LOL. This week I'm also experiencing vivid romantic sexual dreams which left me aroused when I'm awake. *sigh*. Still constipating, I pass motion every 3-4 days and it just takes forever to slide down! I'm starting to get that weird taste in my mouth as well. Worse during the night. I can't drink the tap water at home but the NTU water fountain is refreshing. So I bought distilled water for me to drink at home. Sometimes I get nauseous from morning to night, sometimes morning is better. I lost 1kg this month. I'm usually excited to eat meat, and other unhealthy food but my stomach doesn't like it. I'm also getting some slight headaches every now and then. Felt like having heartburn the whole day within this week.

By the end of week 8 I finally feel so pregnant. I'm queasy the whole morning and night. My tummy is bloated. If I'm too tired my tummy would feel funny. I burp like almost everytime. I have migraine that lasted the whole day no matter what I did. I feel tired all the time! I practically dragged my feet everywhere because I'm just tired. 

[Maybe] Third Pregnancy

Saya tulis mungkin karena saya juga setengah gak percaya. Karena beda sama 2 kehamilan sebelumnya. Dulu dua-duanya emang sebelum tanggal Mens udh menunjukkan tanda-tanda tidak akan mens. Jadi gejala kehamilan yang mirip sama gejala PMS itu tidak pernah saya alami, semua baru muncul setelah mensnya telat.

Kali ini sekitar 10 hari sebelum mens udah keluar semua PMS nya. Emosi tinggi, kira-kira seminggu sebelum mens mulai gliyeng-gliyeng (plus lagi flu juga sih waktu itu), perut mulai agak gak enak, dada mulai sakit bengkak, bedanya cuma kali ini ga ada kram perut (yang mana dulu pas hamil Rana itu cuma kram doang sejak seminggu sebelum tanggal mens). Saya pikir, oh wajar, bentar lagi emang udh tanggalnya sih.

Siklus saya rata-rata 29 hari tapi memang beberapa bulan terakhir ini aneh, pernah 26 hari udh mens, trus minggu dpnnya baru mens setelah 30 hari. Nah kebetulan bulan lalu gara-gara demam berdarah mungkin ya, mensku datang 31 hari dari LMP. Bulan ini sekitar tanggal 21 April (26 hari dari LMP) keluar darah sedikit yang biasa kejadian di hari pertama mens. Udah mulai ga shalat. Hari kedua cuma ngeflek coklat-coklat. Buat saya ini masih wajar, pernah juga kejadian sehari bleeding, hari kedua ketiga tiba-tiba bersih, eh hari keempat langsung banyak. Tapi kali ini hari ketiga mens masih bersih sampai hari kelima yang mana akhirnya saya mandi wajib. Saya pikir mungkin ini emang anomali karena baru sembuh sakit.

Yang aneh adalah, itu PMS ga ilang. Harusnya begitu mens start semuanya kan ilang, emosi menurun, dada mengempis, mual ilang, perut kembali normal. Tapi kali ini masih terus aja ada sampe seminggu setelah tanggal seharusnya mens itu.

Jadi tanggal 28 April (H+4 dari tanggal mens seharusnya, bukan dari sejak keluar darah) saya testpack. Ada 2 garis meskipun yang satu samar. Harusnya sih berarti positif hamil ya. Tapi tetep belum percaya, mau nunggu H+14 aja baru test lagi untuk mastiin.
Soalnya sekarang masih belum berasa hamil. Mual dikit kadang-kadang iya, kalo makan kebanyakan muntah, perut kembung tp belum buncit, perut kadang-kadang kram, tidur lebih banyak, lebih pemalas. Belum masuk fase yang mabok banget, lemes banget, ngantukan banget dan garis testpacknya kurang tebal XD.

Just wishing for the best. Kalo hamil mudah2an Allah mudahkan sampai persalinan dan seterusnya, bayi berkembang dengan seharusnya, normal dan sehat. Aaamiiin

Gusti Allah Mboten Sare

Itu adalah sebuah peribahasa Jawa yang artinya, Allah tidak pernah tidur. Selalu mengawasi alam semesta, tidak ada satupun yg luput dari perhatiannya. Dalam hidup, seorang manusia tidak akan pernah bisa SELALU mengawasi segala apa yang terjadi dalam hidupnya dan orang-orang di sekitarnya. Dan di saat-saat seperti ini, kita hanya bisa bergantung pada Allah.

Kemarin pagi, ibu lari dari rumah. Bapak sedang diatas mengurus sesuatu, ketika turun kebawah, ibu sudah hilang. Hanya membawa dompet dan baju seadanya. Tidak bisa dihubungi karena ibu tidak membawa hape. Ini bukan pertama kalinya ibu lari dari rumah, namun ini pertama kalinya ibu lari dari rumah Cibubur. Sebelum ini ada beberapa episode sebelumnya namun selalu lari ke rumah orang yg ibu kenal, atau hanya nongkrong di bawah apartemen. Selalu pulang. Sepertinya skizofrenia ibuku terpicu oleh sesuatu.

Di saat begitu, aku hanya bisa meminta pada Allah untuk menjaga ibu. Aku tidak punya ide kemana ibu bisa pergi. Aku hanya percaya Allah tidak tidur, Allah melindungi hambaNya, Allah akan menjaga ibuku. Sampai sore tiba masih belum ada kabar berita. Aku terus berdoa.

Di malam hari bapak mengirim WA, "ibu di bandung, tolong telepon satpam xtrans di nomer XXXXXX". Aku langsung menelepon dan ternyata benar adanya. Satpam itu menelepon bapak untuk menanyakan, ibu sudah dari siang sampai di Bandung kenapa belum ada yang jemput? Ibu gak mau ngomong sama bapak. Ibu minta kami menjemputnya... Sepertinya di tengah2 kekalutan pikirannya beliau ingetnya Ririn masih tinggal di Bandung. Lalu kubilang, ibu mau dijemput ke Singapura? Ibu bawa paspor? Ibu akhirnya setuju pulang ke Cibubur dengan janji Ririn akan menjemput beliau akhir minggu ini.

Siapa lagi yg akan melindungi ibuku kecuali Allah? Berapa besar sih kemungkinannya Satpam minta nomer telpon ibu, yang kebetulan ditinggal di rmh dan bapak yang angkat teleponnya? Ibu cuma hapal nomer hapenya sendiri. Kalo hape itu dibawa ibu bakal telpon siapa? Ririn jg menghubungi temannya untuk mengecek keadaan ibu di kantor Xtrans... Paginya pak satpam cerita klo sesaat sblm berangkat ibu nyaris kabur lagi, untung pak satpam liat dan dibawa balik. Semoga Allah membalas kebaikan pak satpam. Terlalu bnyk kebetulan yang diatur oleh Allah.

Allah akan membantu hambaNya yg percaya dan menggantungkan diri sepenuhnya kepadaNya. Pasrah sepasrah2nya. Terkadang aku dulu marah kenapa sih aku dititipkan pada seorang ibu yang tidak utuh? Kenapa harus kita? Tapi seiring aku dewasa aku sadar, karena aku begini, aku tahu kapan harus pasrah kepada Allah, aku bisa merasakan kekuasaan Allah yang luar biasa. Blessing in disguise.

Alhamdulillah ibu sudah pulang lagi ke rumah. Sudah mandi minum obat dan tidur.

Semoga Allah selalu menjaga dan melindungi bapak dan ibuku.