Monday, April 27, 2015

How I Feel Now

I am sort of pushed into being a housewife. Even though this is something that had crossed my mind in the past I never imagined it to be this hard. It all just seems so simple.

Wake up in the morning, prepare the kids, send them to school. While they were at school, I clean up, I cook, I shower. When they come back, I feed them, play with them. Afternoon go down to the playground, go back, take a shower, play a bit, then they go to sleep then I can clean up.

The reality is. I wake up, she refused to wake up, I dragged her out. She whines the whole bathing time. Then finally managed to send her down. Then I went back up, thinking what to cook. The second one woke up, whines and whines and God knows what she wants. Managed to get her to eat, bathed, and send her to school. Went back home, clean up my room, go to the kitchen, prepare food as quick as I can and before I know it it's time to pick them up. Please note I haven't had the time to bathe at all! One came back, managed to feed her a bit, then went back down to pick up the other one. When they got home, must change clothes, goes to toilet and everything. Lunch time was never easy. They mostly end up not finishing their food and I had to constantly remind them to CHEW! Then I took my shower. Then the small one took a nap, with me. The big one plays by herself, wrecking the living room. The small one wakes up, adds another mess. I woke up to a pile of dirty clothes, dirty dishes, dry clothes that haven't been taken off from the drying poles, messy dirty living room and kids who fight almost every 10 minutes. Evening came, I must bathe them, clothed them, and fed them. Repeating the morning routine with double trouble. They run around, screamed, etc, Bedtime, sometimes comes easy, sometimes ends up being my bedtime before theirs. Meaning, those unfinished businesses of mine will remain there til morning which adds to my headache.

Now I know what people say... No worries about the house, the kids comes first. Now let's see. When the kids bathe, they change clothes. When they pile up, it becomes house work. When they eat, they use utensils. When those pile up, it becomes house work. When they make a mess, the floor got dirty. If I let them be... God knows how long I'll be able to stand the stickiness and yuckiness. So... which part is NOT the kids again??

Initially, even til now, these have all add up to my frustration, anger, and all other negative feelings I have experienced. I realized these all are NOT healthy. Somehow I must make it stop. I am slowly learning how to do things effectively. Like the day before I have thought of what tomorrow's food will be. And if it's not ready to heat, that will be the first thing I'll prepare in the morning. I learned so many simple things that I dare not write cause they are all stupidly simple but since I've never done it before I don't even know.

I mostly blame people who are supposed to be there but isn't there. Easiest way out, but provides no real solution. I was mostly angry, of myself who couldn't do anything right, and my husband who is not even here at the time I needed him most. I forced myself countless times to believe that I can survive this somehow. I am still surviving, but not in a healthy way. How can I think positive when the house is a mess, the kids are a mess, and myself is stinky, sick and in a mess.

I am desperate, depressive, and feeling helpless. I am just so tired I feel like dropping everything and runs away. The only time I can think straight is right now. When I am alone, showered, in clean clothes, cold breeze, and everyone's asleep.

In the end I am facing the fact that I actually still want to work. I envy my friends who are out there working, making money for themselves. I just tell everyone that I'm okay staying home cause I'm taking a break because that's what they want to hear. I envy those whose husband is around. I am hiding myself from people who will judge me whiny and ungrateful wife so I try my best not to complain. Deep down inside I really don't want to be where I am now. So I guess this is the source of all my frustration. I never accepted my fate wholeheartedly.

I suppose this is one of my greatest test so far. Allah took everything that I have taken for granted temporarily. Allah left me all to myself and a little help from here and there. My biggest patience test which rewards are unseen but real nevertheless.

Everyday I feel so tired and exhausted mentally mostly. Initially it was fine, as day goes by, everything falls apart. I break down and cry and shout countless times. This is the one job that I know no one can cover for me.

I know, all sorrows will end someday and right now all I wanna do is just living this life happily. Not giving in to pressures and try to connect with the kids. The first thing that I need to do now is... take what is given to me sincerely, ikhlas. Don't expect something extraordinary, or outrageous. Just do it sincerely without any ifs. Cause ifs just ruin everything and adds to my frustration. Focus on what I need to do, taking care of the kids, and the house as much as I can to my ability. Don't think about what I could have done, just focus on what I can do for now. If I don't feel like it, hell, just say no.

Bismillah.