After a few months of not working, staying home with the kids, I find that the luxury that I yearn for is having a quiet moment by myself, watching TV, sitting by myself reading books without having to hear anyone fighting, or anyone nagging me. I find that all the things that I took for granted previously are the ones that I treasure most now. I hope if I do go back to work one day I won't forget these days.
I do still have a very bad temper with the kids. I do try to reason with her (the eldest) and I usually fail after the 3rd reasoning. But now I mostly can accept the fact (when I'm sane and not too tired) that kids ARE supposed to be annoying to get out of things, and I let them take their time to digest that it is their responsibility. I too starting to accept the fact that disciplining your kids takes a lot of practice, patience, repetitive reminders which is totally NOT instant. I too have started to finish everything one by one instead of stressing over everything.
I feel like I have become more relaxed in dealing with world problems. I can comment in someone's posts which I totally disagree and dislike in a calm manner and not even take it personally. I do have more sense of humor which I really need to keep my sanity. I too have forgotten about trying to show how equivalent I am in terms of brain and knowledge with men. Because really, it is more fun to pretend that you know nothing when in fact you are digging information. I have spent a lot of my time struggling to prove that men and women can both work hard and equally. Yes as a matter of fact we could. It's just that after we have kids things just change. It's really difficult to keep up with such high hopes. What with all the kids issues, kids matters, etc. And I know in the workforce, being a working mother is not easy for the employer. It's like paying someone whom you know might have divided attention with home. It is almost impossible not to discriminate.
Money wise, I finally flock my faith to God. When you give your fate to Allah despite all your super duper extra efforts I believe that is when the best decision will come InsyaAllah.
Do note that all these realizations IS NOT applicable during my PMS. When all those
hormones take over me. I feel by staying home when I have my PMS it's like WWII inside my head.
Overall, I got to admit, despite all the hardships, my anger, my tears, my regrets, my anxiety, my fatigue over staying home, I get to discover a whole different perspective of life.
I get to discipline my kids. Asha went from can-do-nothing-by-herself to must-do-everything-by-herself. Now she eats by herself most of the time and even finish her meals by herself (sometimes I still feed her just to finish it up), cloths herself, and now bathing and brushing by herself. It took me 5 months to get her to be able to do all those. And now I insist that whatever she wants, she needs to get it by herself, except things that she couldn't reach.
Rana on the other hand, is still on process. I haven't even potty trained her. She pooed on the toilet though now. Her speech is much better now, more audible. She's able to take off her own clothes as well.
Asha is really talkative, and keeps on asking questions, and since I am around all the time, I get to answer most of it.
If you ask me now whether I will go back to work again, I'd still say yes if Allah gives me another chance. But if Allah decides that it's my time to stay home, I'm okay with that. I thought by staying home I won't be able to use all my education. But I was wrong. I get to transfer my knowledge, my linguistic abilities with my kids. I get to correct their grammars since young, I get to explains things anytime anywhere, I get to share all the interesting knowledge of the world. I get to share my passion with them. I get to do one thing that I've written in my bucket list. I want to teach. It's not my intention to have brilliant geniuses in my household. I want them to be curious of everything. I wish that even when they grow up I won't push them to do anything but be curious.
So after so many months staying home whining and complaining and crying I finally come to terms with myself. The perks of an SAHM.
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