Actually, I kinda suspected that I am actually depressed. I lost my job, my husband is posted overseas, and my helper went home. I am all alone with my kids stuck with my house chores. At the beginning, I broke down. I was depressed because I felt so helpless. Then after that, I established a routine and it was getting better.
Two weeks ago, I went on a holiday with the kids. We went to my husband's place, stayed there for 2 whole weeks and we had fun. I was so happy to be reunited. Then suddenly 3 days before it was time to go back, I broke down again. I suddenly had a panic attack. I was scared that I'd die on a plane crash and would never see my husband again. I didn't want to go on that plane. I didn't know what came over me. I was so scared of losing everything. I was scared I would die soon and leave everything when I really wasn't ready to go yet. I was scared that Allah will test me to that extent. I was so scared, just scared of my life after.
Alhamdulillah the plane didn't crash and I got home safely. When we reached the airport I was so relieved. Then this morning I woke up and that feeling is still there. THe kids are still on holiday so we rested at home today. FYI I am having my menses and this anxiety happened since the menses started. The worst thing is, I can't do my shalat to relieve my mind. I felt so lonely, empty, no purpose of life. I felt like I have no one to talk to, no one I can depend on, since everyone has their own lives, and I don't want to be a crybaby. I don't want to trouble anyone, I want to be independent, not troubling anyone, able to hold myself. I don't want to worry or create problems to my husband, I just don't want to bring problems to anyone. Mostly, I don't want people to know that this is how I really feel. Lonely, scared, helpless.
Reality is, I can't. I feel so down I don't know how to handle it. I try to take my mind of it but I can't shake the feeling. Honestly, I can't see my life down the road from here. I don't know where I should or whether I would get a job, I don't know what I want, I don't know what will happen, and I'm stuck alone here for the next 1 year ahead. I tried to battle it, but everytime I tried I kept on going back to the negative energy.
I don't want the kids to see me like this. I want them to be happy, well fed, well taken care of, and sometimes I feel I'm incapable of doing such things. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I feel so scared. I want to be optimist again. InsyaAllah this feeling will go away soon. I'm praying that it would soon.
I know that I should depend on Allah for all things. The creator, the Almighty, the one I should love above all else. Maybe this is my punishment for taking the world for granted, for loving dunya more than the afterlife. I still wish to grow old with my husband, watching our kids grow together, go on holidays together, enjoy our life together. But I also realize that death is not in our hands, we just have to prepare ourselves to face it someday. Lately it has been bothering me. There are times that I do think of it, but this is the most severe.
InsyaAllah, Allah gives me and my husband a long life, a good physical and mental health, enough rizki to get by. InsyaAllah InsyaAllah.
Even though I still don't know what to do, and the feeling still lingers. I promise that I'll have courage. The courage to not be afraid. The courage to try and have hopes, stay positive. I can't lose to people whose life expectancy is in days but they maintain to feel positive. I must believe that Allah knows me better than anyone, that the tests He gives won't exceed what I can take. I must believe that whatever comes is made to make me stronger. I must believe that Allah's powers are beyond me.
I really don't know what can make me happy again. But I guess I should be happy that all is well for now. The secret to my happiness maybe is being thankful and being sincere. Sincerely accepts anything that comes in my way, and be thankful for every small thing in life. The kids, my husband, myself, my house. Nothing's perfect in life, but life itself is magic and something to be thankful of.
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