I have a friend. I'm not very close to her, but she's a very polite nice person. Some of my close friends are close with her so I know her more thru stories. That's why I don't judge. I am just telling a story.
She is a mother of 2 kids. The eldest is a boy, 6 yo, the youngest is a girl, turning 3 this year. She is a very dedicated mother, very kind, patient. She is smart, pretty, a great cook, a great mom, a wonderful wife. She can do all household things, sewing, cooking, driving, anything! She's such a supermom.
Her husband is born smart, successful in all his careers, dedicated to his work, and very good socially. He is helpful and has many talents. Everyone spoke highly of him.
They are a typical Javanese family. Husband goes out and makes money, wife stay home and takes care of kids. Husband makes all the decisions and wife follows. I heard stories, and I concluded that he doesn't respect her. The way he speaks to her is like talking to a helper/maid. Just someone to take care of his house and kids. She does everything related to house herself without a single help from her husband. Husband goes out to do this and that, go for late gathering etc. Wife needs to have a week in advance permission just to hang out with friends.
The husband DOES NOT LIKE peanut. Just because his mom banned peanut from the house. He banned EVERYONE in the house to eat peanut. Wife likes peanuts and has to go behind his back just to get one. Wife likes this and that but because husband doesn't like it she let it go.
When they are moving out husband still goes to work, went for gathering, busy for all farewells. Wife? She packs all their things by herself while still manages her kids AND cooks. And when husband comes home, she got scolded because it's not done yet.
When her kid cries while she is cooking or whatever, the husband calls and tells her to calm the kid down while the kid is just next to him.
When her kid falls or hurts herself she gets blamed for not looking after the kids.
When her cooking taste not as good as usual, husband said even kids master chef can cook better.
Now from her stories, the eldest is beginning to be act like dad towards mom. When mom makes her a seat cover to save money, son grumps and said, "Mom, later! I'm embarrassed to put it on." When mom converse with her friend's mom, son said, "My mom's English is not very good so I need to correct her every now and then"
I don't judge and I can't say pity for such families too. Cos I too was born in almost the same environment. I became what I am today because I don't agree with such situations. If I was not rebellious enough maybe I'll turn out the same.
I used to look down on my mom because she was sick and my dad belittle her most of the time. So it makes me think my mom is what my dad always says. I can only say that the difference is, my dad took care of us most of the time cos my mom is not functioning. He stuck thru my mom's side thruout her sickness and even he said nasty things he is still there. So he is NOT a spoiled selfish husband.
The similarities that our families share are our traditional Javanese families heritage. Where dads work moms stay home with kids. My dad actually wanted my mom to do things, but my mom became so depressed being away from her family and not doing things that she used to do cos dad moves to the suburbs. PLUS my dad has a very sharp nasty tongue which I think hurts my mom's feelings a lot. My dad scolds my mom alot, to the point that all of us became scared of making mistakes. Dad is boss and his words are absolute. But my parents are still married til now, we grew up as we're supposed to and I accept that I live in such family even tho I don't fully agree with it.
I just wish my friend can be happy with her situations, or at least accept it. I know words can be so painful, and you get hurt by it but I also know we'll get by it. I used to dread for the day I can get out of the house and not see my dad everyday. I couldn't stand his absolute authority. But I couldn't imagine being my mom who has to live with him for the rest of her life. Even so, now I know that through time, we learn to accept our situation. I just wish that until that day comes, my friend can still hang in there.
I couldn't judge it a bad marriage, because everyone doesn't want a divorce. No matter how bad it looks, we need to find some good in it. I too in the end could see good in my dad even tho his words are still more or less absolute and he's still nasty.
The points that I note that is how you treat your spouse will be looked upon by your kids. If you treat them with respect, your kids will respect them too and they too will respect their own once they have one. The balance of your family will determine how your child grows up one day. I too felt some effects on me as I reflect back on my past. No one is perfect, but try to be a good one wouldn't do any harm.
I am so blessed that Allah gives me a husband who is a total opposite of my dad. Maybe this is my blessing and my test too. Last time I always asked for someone who is so unlike my dad, and that is what I get. Even so, I still complain every now and then how he is not like this and that too much this and that. Sometimes it took a slap in the face to truly appreciate what you have.
No comments:
Post a Comment