Ahahhahaha....
H+8 tanpa mens
Belum ke dokter...
Tunggu H+14 tanpa mens deh....
Sulit makan sekarang soalnya suka ga bisa masuk banyak. Abis makan pasti deh mual. Apalagi klo jalan naek turun tangga abis makan. Rasanya hoek-hoek banget deh.
Namun kepastian tetep tunggu ke dokter dulu. So far yang tau baru teman-teman terdekat. Keluarga nanti saja tunggu kepastian hasil USG di dokter. Doakan yaaaa
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tawakal
Akhir-akhir ini hidup saya dipenuhi banyak pelajaran tentang tawakal. Bagaimana kita manusia hanya bisa berusaha semampu mungkin tetapi tetap Allah yang menentukan. Beberapa minggu lalu saya pernah menulis tentang om saya yang mengidap lymphoma itu. Minggu lalu kami menjenguk beliau. Beliau nampak jauh lebih sehat dan kuat. Beliau bercerita tentang perawatan kemo 2x yang sudah dijalaninya beserta efek sampingnya.
Sehabis kemoterapi biasanya kondisinya akan membaik dalam seminggu pertama, namun memasuki hari ke 10-14 demam itu datang lagi. Pada dasarnya kemoterapi bertujuan membunuhi semua sel dalam tubuh. TIdak pandang bulu baik ato jahat. Sehingga sel darah putih kita yang baik itupun terbunuhi. Otomatis badan kita pun jatuh tanpa perlindungan. Beliau sudah melakukan segala cara agar badannya ketika sel darah putih terbunuhi tidak mudah terinfeksi bakteri atau virus. Sedikit sulit memang karena sel darah putih kita lah departemen pertahanan kita.
Beliau bingung, makanan bergizi dilahap, mengisolasi diri sudah namun masuk hari ke 10-14 pasca kemoterapi namun demam tetap datang lagi dan lagi.
Tawakal, easier said than done. Kita manusia kadang cenderung menggantungkan diri pada kemampuan sendiri dan orang ahli lainnya. Namun banyak hal di dunia ini yang berada diluar kemampuan kita. Kadang kita merasa sudah mencoba semaksimal mungkin namun hasilnya tidak sesuai seperti yang kita inginkan. Semua kemungkinan sudah dicoba namun teori tidak berhasil. Ini saatnya tawakal.
Kita sakit, meski sudah berusaha hidup sehat terkadang adalah ujian dari Allah. Ada orang sehat terus padahal pola hidup kacau balau bukan berarti Allah menyayanginya mungkin, tapi itu adalah ujian dalam bentuk lain baginya.
Kadang kita terlalu mengkuatirkan sesuatu yang akan terjadi. Semua ketakutan yang ada di belakang kepala kita terkadang menjadi momok yang mengerikan. Kita jadi stress karena hal yang bahkan belum pasti akan terjadi.
Saya sedang belajar tawakal. Saya sedang belajar untuk berusaha tanpa memikirkan dampak negatif dan positifnya. Saya sedang belajar untuk tidak terlalu memikirkan hal-hal yang tidak pasti. Saya sedang berusaha merencanakan masa depan namun tidak memaksakan. Masa depan kita yang bentuk tapi rahasianya tetap di tangan Allah.
Mudah-mudahan jika saya diberi umur panjang, saya bisa jadi manusia yang bertawakal sampai tua nanti.
Sehabis kemoterapi biasanya kondisinya akan membaik dalam seminggu pertama, namun memasuki hari ke 10-14 demam itu datang lagi. Pada dasarnya kemoterapi bertujuan membunuhi semua sel dalam tubuh. TIdak pandang bulu baik ato jahat. Sehingga sel darah putih kita yang baik itupun terbunuhi. Otomatis badan kita pun jatuh tanpa perlindungan. Beliau sudah melakukan segala cara agar badannya ketika sel darah putih terbunuhi tidak mudah terinfeksi bakteri atau virus. Sedikit sulit memang karena sel darah putih kita lah departemen pertahanan kita.
Beliau bingung, makanan bergizi dilahap, mengisolasi diri sudah namun masuk hari ke 10-14 pasca kemoterapi namun demam tetap datang lagi dan lagi.
Tawakal, easier said than done. Kita manusia kadang cenderung menggantungkan diri pada kemampuan sendiri dan orang ahli lainnya. Namun banyak hal di dunia ini yang berada diluar kemampuan kita. Kadang kita merasa sudah mencoba semaksimal mungkin namun hasilnya tidak sesuai seperti yang kita inginkan. Semua kemungkinan sudah dicoba namun teori tidak berhasil. Ini saatnya tawakal.
Kita sakit, meski sudah berusaha hidup sehat terkadang adalah ujian dari Allah. Ada orang sehat terus padahal pola hidup kacau balau bukan berarti Allah menyayanginya mungkin, tapi itu adalah ujian dalam bentuk lain baginya.
Kadang kita terlalu mengkuatirkan sesuatu yang akan terjadi. Semua ketakutan yang ada di belakang kepala kita terkadang menjadi momok yang mengerikan. Kita jadi stress karena hal yang bahkan belum pasti akan terjadi.
Saya sedang belajar tawakal. Saya sedang belajar untuk berusaha tanpa memikirkan dampak negatif dan positifnya. Saya sedang belajar untuk tidak terlalu memikirkan hal-hal yang tidak pasti. Saya sedang berusaha merencanakan masa depan namun tidak memaksakan. Masa depan kita yang bentuk tapi rahasianya tetap di tangan Allah.
Mudah-mudahan jika saya diberi umur panjang, saya bisa jadi manusia yang bertawakal sampai tua nanti.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I'll Be There For You
I remember when I was a young teenager, how being there for your loved ones when they need you the most is very very important. You can fight with boyfriends and shout out things like, "where were you when I needed you?". When I got married I guess I pretty much thought that my husband will be there for me whatever happens.
Reality is... he won't be. Especially when his job requires him to be overseas once in a while (on my case it's been like that for the last year). Sometimes when I need him, I can't contact him. When I'm down I can't contact him, he's busy or whatever. When our daughter is sick, he's not there to share the burden. So much for the fairy tale life I wanted.
At this rate I'll end up being a typical Javanese super woman. I handle household matters, kids matters, and he just needs to find money. I feel a bit sad really. I feel somewhat egoistic but in a way I feel that it's my right to ask. In a way I feel that I should be able to handle everything, but I just don't want to. But you know what, that is what is happening exactly. We are turning into a typical Javanese family. Where the father is never there and the mother handles everything.
I feel that family should not be second best. Reality is, if your family doesn't support your career, they say you don't want your husband to advance. So really, at this age, career is first priority don't you think? I try my best not to complain. But sometimes getting answers like, "what to do, this is my job" or "you have to understand this is my job" makes me feel like we're only accessories to his life. Does he ever say to his boss things like, "what to do, it's my family" or "you have to understand, I have family". I don't think so.
In the end, no human being can guarantee they'll always be there for me. This is the end of my fairy tale wishes. If there is one that I can never lose is Allah. Anytime anywhere, closer than my veins. So why should I feel sad or down or lonely?
Reality is... he won't be. Especially when his job requires him to be overseas once in a while (on my case it's been like that for the last year). Sometimes when I need him, I can't contact him. When I'm down I can't contact him, he's busy or whatever. When our daughter is sick, he's not there to share the burden. So much for the fairy tale life I wanted.
At this rate I'll end up being a typical Javanese super woman. I handle household matters, kids matters, and he just needs to find money. I feel a bit sad really. I feel somewhat egoistic but in a way I feel that it's my right to ask. In a way I feel that I should be able to handle everything, but I just don't want to. But you know what, that is what is happening exactly. We are turning into a typical Javanese family. Where the father is never there and the mother handles everything.
I feel that family should not be second best. Reality is, if your family doesn't support your career, they say you don't want your husband to advance. So really, at this age, career is first priority don't you think? I try my best not to complain. But sometimes getting answers like, "what to do, this is my job" or "you have to understand this is my job" makes me feel like we're only accessories to his life. Does he ever say to his boss things like, "what to do, it's my family" or "you have to understand, I have family". I don't think so.
In the end, no human being can guarantee they'll always be there for me. This is the end of my fairy tale wishes. If there is one that I can never lose is Allah. Anytime anywhere, closer than my veins. So why should I feel sad or down or lonely?
PMS or .....
Remember my blog post a few weeks ago regarding me trying to get pregnant? I have always wondered what will the symptoms be before I'm even late for my menses. I remember vaguely that for my first one I had a very mild PMS. Some say PMS and pregnancy symptoms are similar. Well, not for me... If I have my PMS, it will be BAD and I will get my menses.
After last month cycle, I'll just account some of the weird sensations I've been feeling so far.
1. I've got a weird sense of smell. The smell of tobacco is making me sick. It feels like it goes all the way to my brain and stomach!!! The worst was I sat next to a guy who smells like tobacco mixed with piss, I couldn't stand it I stood up. But the guy that sat next to him afterwards seemed to be ok with it.
2. I've got very very mild PMS. I still get sensitive and agitated, but all seems to be within normal limits.
3. I fell sick a few days ago. Since then my appetite hasn't been the same. I thought it was because of the flu effect. But the flu is gone and the loss of appetite is still there.
4. I've got cramps. Weird. I usually have 1 or 2 days cramping then my menses will come. I've been cramping since 1week ago and it's still not here yet. On tuesday the cramps lasted the whole day it feels like a dull ache when I stood up. So I spent my day laying on my bed.
5. Since I've got nausea and I wonder if it's because of the flu or I might be pregnant I tested yesterday afternoon. It was a 1 stripe at the beginning, then a faint second stripe showed up. But I'm still unsure. I'll test again maybe tomorrow.
Hoping and praying for the best!
After last month cycle, I'll just account some of the weird sensations I've been feeling so far.
1. I've got a weird sense of smell. The smell of tobacco is making me sick. It feels like it goes all the way to my brain and stomach!!! The worst was I sat next to a guy who smells like tobacco mixed with piss, I couldn't stand it I stood up. But the guy that sat next to him afterwards seemed to be ok with it.
2. I've got very very mild PMS. I still get sensitive and agitated, but all seems to be within normal limits.
3. I fell sick a few days ago. Since then my appetite hasn't been the same. I thought it was because of the flu effect. But the flu is gone and the loss of appetite is still there.
4. I've got cramps. Weird. I usually have 1 or 2 days cramping then my menses will come. I've been cramping since 1week ago and it's still not here yet. On tuesday the cramps lasted the whole day it feels like a dull ache when I stood up. So I spent my day laying on my bed.
5. Since I've got nausea and I wonder if it's because of the flu or I might be pregnant I tested yesterday afternoon. It was a 1 stripe at the beginning, then a faint second stripe showed up. But I'm still unsure. I'll test again maybe tomorrow.
Hoping and praying for the best!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Pasca Weaning (The effects on me)
My daughter has been weaned off since January. Actually we have been trying for the second one since then. But still not our turn yet I guess. Since then my body has seemed to go back to its regular function.
My metabolism slowed down, because it's not producing milk anymore. The thing that takes time is to slow down my appetite. The first month I still eat like usual. Then the second month I noticed all my clothes are getting tighter. When I weigh myself I gained an extra 3kgs!!!! Unbelievable! Since then I only managed to shed 1-1.5kg. I need to eat less exercise more.
The other thing is my hormone too going back to normal. During my breastfeeding times I rarely get "physical PMS" so severe. Now 1week before menses, my stomach bloated, I get cramps, terrible fatigue, immune system drop, horrible mood swing, constipated. It's scary what weaning off has done to your body! I've never felt as miserable (and fat) as now.
I also noticed that since I've weaned off my menses cycle normalizes. Previously it was errated. Now starting to stabilize itself between 27-29 days. So yup, I'm back to my old self.
My metabolism slowed down, because it's not producing milk anymore. The thing that takes time is to slow down my appetite. The first month I still eat like usual. Then the second month I noticed all my clothes are getting tighter. When I weigh myself I gained an extra 3kgs!!!! Unbelievable! Since then I only managed to shed 1-1.5kg. I need to eat less exercise more.
The other thing is my hormone too going back to normal. During my breastfeeding times I rarely get "physical PMS" so severe. Now 1week before menses, my stomach bloated, I get cramps, terrible fatigue, immune system drop, horrible mood swing, constipated. It's scary what weaning off has done to your body! I've never felt as miserable (and fat) as now.
I also noticed that since I've weaned off my menses cycle normalizes. Previously it was errated. Now starting to stabilize itself between 27-29 days. So yup, I'm back to my old self.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Health and What It's Worth
My uncle is admitted in NUH. He's my father's cousin. My uncle is not working anymore. He still has 1 wife and 2 children to support. The first one is only 22yrs old and there's still a younger one.
To cut the story short, he was admitted to a hospital in Jakarta due to high fever. When they checked his Hb was very low. They suspected he got anemia hemolitic. He stayed in hospital for 1 month and didn't get better. The family decided to look for second opinion, so they came to Singapore, NUH to be exact.
The first day they came he was very weak so they went straight to the hospital. The doctor suspected that the treatment in the first hospital was too harsh, therefore leaving him neither better or worse. This is his 3rd day in NUH and they are still doing biopsy. No medicines yet, only panadols and blood transfusion.
I visited him yesterday. He was transfused with new blood cos his Hb was very very low. 6 I think, below the normal count which is 10.
My aunt said he rarely gets sick, no health problems, healthy habits, good life. My uncle said, "this is like getting slapped in the face by Allah".
Even when you are so healthy, you take care of yourself, you still don't know when Allah decided to test you. We can't really expect our lives to be smooth all the way even though we wished to. It's scary sometimes when you think about it. At times like this I'm always reminded of my good friend. She suffered from an unknown illness for years, only taking painkillers, do MRI etc and she looked mighty brave. She never complained. She shared stories but not to the point of complaining. I wonder if she ever cries.Only recently she found out it was fibroid myalgia. The sister is schizophrenic and the mother now is in hospital. Sometimes I think Allah loves her so much that Allah tested her to that point. Sometimes I think it's unfair to me. There are so many people who lives lavishly without worries, no problems, everything is good, and they're not good people.
Anyway, back to my uncle. Two days ago the result came out. It is lymphoma, blood cancer, stadium 3. For most people when you are diagnosed with cancer at this stage it's like a death sentence. Even though you are treated with chemotherapy or radiotherapy it will only prolong your life in about 3 to 4 years ahead. Then again age is in God's hands, but theoretically, that is your life span. The one thing that struck him the most was the fact that he'd been living a healthy life to that point. I remember a hadits or some saying that says, "A Muslim has to believe that everything comes from Allah, good and bad." Allah doesn't give bad things to make you miserable. Instead Allah is giving you opportunity to prove that you have the endurance and patience to go through it all, and you will be rewarded. Read the Qur'an and please tell me do all those Rasuls experience good life throughout their life? NO. Allah always emphasized that we will be tested like all those before us.
He cried during my last visit. I think he's scared, I know I will if I were him. I know it's tough to be positive when you are sick. But being positive is your way out of it. He's scared he will be a burden, scared there won't be enough money, scared of dying I think. I pray that Allah blesses him with endurance, patience and spirit to go through it all. I pray that Allah blesses his family with wealth, health and patience to go through it all.
When you have money, you can buy everything. But you can't buy health. If I were to choose to be rich or to be healthy, I choose health. I need to remind myself every now and then when I complain we are not getting richer and other people have more money than us.
To cut the story short, he was admitted to a hospital in Jakarta due to high fever. When they checked his Hb was very low. They suspected he got anemia hemolitic. He stayed in hospital for 1 month and didn't get better. The family decided to look for second opinion, so they came to Singapore, NUH to be exact.
The first day they came he was very weak so they went straight to the hospital. The doctor suspected that the treatment in the first hospital was too harsh, therefore leaving him neither better or worse. This is his 3rd day in NUH and they are still doing biopsy. No medicines yet, only panadols and blood transfusion.
I visited him yesterday. He was transfused with new blood cos his Hb was very very low. 6 I think, below the normal count which is 10.
My aunt said he rarely gets sick, no health problems, healthy habits, good life. My uncle said, "this is like getting slapped in the face by Allah".
Even when you are so healthy, you take care of yourself, you still don't know when Allah decided to test you. We can't really expect our lives to be smooth all the way even though we wished to. It's scary sometimes when you think about it. At times like this I'm always reminded of my good friend. She suffered from an unknown illness for years, only taking painkillers, do MRI etc and she looked mighty brave. She never complained. She shared stories but not to the point of complaining. I wonder if she ever cries.Only recently she found out it was fibroid myalgia. The sister is schizophrenic and the mother now is in hospital. Sometimes I think Allah loves her so much that Allah tested her to that point. Sometimes I think it's unfair to me. There are so many people who lives lavishly without worries, no problems, everything is good, and they're not good people.
Anyway, back to my uncle. Two days ago the result came out. It is lymphoma, blood cancer, stadium 3. For most people when you are diagnosed with cancer at this stage it's like a death sentence. Even though you are treated with chemotherapy or radiotherapy it will only prolong your life in about 3 to 4 years ahead. Then again age is in God's hands, but theoretically, that is your life span. The one thing that struck him the most was the fact that he'd been living a healthy life to that point. I remember a hadits or some saying that says, "A Muslim has to believe that everything comes from Allah, good and bad." Allah doesn't give bad things to make you miserable. Instead Allah is giving you opportunity to prove that you have the endurance and patience to go through it all, and you will be rewarded. Read the Qur'an and please tell me do all those Rasuls experience good life throughout their life? NO. Allah always emphasized that we will be tested like all those before us.
He cried during my last visit. I think he's scared, I know I will if I were him. I know it's tough to be positive when you are sick. But being positive is your way out of it. He's scared he will be a burden, scared there won't be enough money, scared of dying I think. I pray that Allah blesses him with endurance, patience and spirit to go through it all. I pray that Allah blesses his family with wealth, health and patience to go through it all.
When you have money, you can buy everything. But you can't buy health. If I were to choose to be rich or to be healthy, I choose health. I need to remind myself every now and then when I complain we are not getting richer and other people have more money than us.
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