This is one of them days..
Counting days to end of contract with no new job in hand. Not even one reply, let alone an interview. It is true though. When it's not yours not even a single cent comes your way.
I am desperate. I have loans to pay... I desperately need to work.
========================================================================
I left the above on draft on Thursday. After writing it, I watched a kdrama to take my mind off of it. By Thursday evening my husband presented to me an opportunity, a job. He has been going around telling people that his wife (ME) is looking for a job and was a pipeline engineer. It so happens that his company was bidding for a trenching job and the PM in charge knows me. The PM is an indonesian and the PM from the other side is also an Indonesian. They exchanged stories and he said he desperately was looking for an engineer for his project and has to be a local. He told my husband, called the PM and passed the phone to my husband. They were talking and in the end he told him that I'd call him later.
When he picked me up, we sat inside the car and I called him. He asked me to send my cv for him to look at. On Friday, I was holding a tahsin in my house, my husband called and said the PM was waiting for my CV. I quickly rushed and pulled one of my most detailed CV with project names and all and sent it to him.
Shortly he asked me when can I come for interview and I said Monday. On Monday I went for it and asked to join by the next week. I said I couldn't and in the end we agreed on a part time basis for this month. I completed the contract signing and the medcheck today.
The salary is not bad, benefit wise not attractive, work life balance doesn't seem that good. It's a 6 months contract only. I am not in a position to choose. I had prayed every daaaay for the best way from Allah and this is the answer. I trust in Allah's choice. So far all that He has given me has enriched my life one way or the other.
The salary is good for me to save up. I had some nazaar. one of it that I truly remember was I nazaar to go on umra in 2 years time. Waiting until Alta grows up a bit more so I can leave him. So maybe by this Allah is inviting me to save up for umra. Insya Allah
"Which of Allah's favours can we deny?"
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Thursday, May 10, 2018
When I'm Being Insecure
I'm not young anymore for being in a workforce. Having kids automatically put me in that not young category. I'm tied up. With responsibilities and constant worrying. My mind is basically all over the place. And now I'm just being insecure.
The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.
I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.
So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.
My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.
The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.
I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.
So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.
My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Birth Story #3
Remember my last post 38wks ++?? Well shortly after that i had continuous contractions and gave birth before midnight LOL. Exactly at 38+1 wk.
So on that day, 19 June 2017, after the check up and the membrane sweep I went back to the office and wrote that blog. I was determined to wrap up my part of the report before my maternity leave which I expected to start a few days later. So I had my lunch and in the meantime I was having continuous contractions. I of course timed them as usual. Initially it was every 10 minutes for half an hour and increased to every 6-5minutes lasted about 40-60 secs, which I blamed on the sweep. And so I waited... and browsed... and still writing my report... 1 o clock and it persisted. I suddenly had the continuous urge to pee and every time I walked to the toilet I still got contractions regularly. I ate, I drank so much it still persists. At this point I was doubting myself, is it possible that it's the real thing and the sweep actually induced it?
I started asking my friends who had sweep before. One of them had it similar, but hers were just 20mins apart which means mine were the real thing!!! I called the labor ward they asked me to come in. Finally at 3 pm I called my husband and asked him to pick me up. In the meantime I was chit chatting with friends while contracting every 5mins and they were all scared I was going to pop there and then. I knew it won't be that fast so I was still relaxed. It was still bearable even though it was starting to get painful. My husband reached office around 4pm and we went to the hospital. The parking lot was far so he asked me to go in first. I told him I'd wait for him outside A&E rather than going in too soon and we need to pay for labor ward LOL.
So we went in, told the A&E officer that I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so then they pushed me to the labor ward. I changed into the hospital gown and peed where I saw a lot of blood which means labor is on its way. Up to this point it all felt surreal, too fast. The doctor in charge was checking me inside, she said it was still tight and baby was still high (same with Rana previously). My contractions were pretty regular though. I was 4cm dilated by this point. Not too painful yet. She called my gynae, and told me that they were going to burst my water bag. Asked me if I had considered any pain killer aka epidural. I said will it be bad after water is broken? she said most definitely, so it was the time if I wanted to do it. At that time I was almost 5cm dilated if I'm not wrong, it was around 6pm. Then the anesthesist injected the epidural. By this time contractions were more intense and shorter. After it was all done my gynae came and checked everything, she burst my water bag and since it was still a little tight she said she's gonna head home first. Meaning baby is not coming out in a short while.
This time round the epidural only numb my area on the right side. From below the waist I feel nothing on both sides. However on my left side I could feel all contractions. The doctors and nurses left me since 7 pm, checking occasionally. The last time they checked was at 8pm. I couldn't sleep. I could stll feel all contractions on the left side. Bram was sleeping soundly though. Every hour I called the nurse to ask when is the doctor coming. Then around 10 pm the doctor came and checked, I was fully dilated! However head was still high, so they asked me to push slowly while waiting for Dr Anita to come. They said will be coming in 20 minutes.
Within that 20 mins I kept pushing, and I could feel him coming. With each push I could feel the contractions getting stronger, then I started screaming, I can't hold it, I need to keep pushing. Dr Anita came at the last minute. As she was changing into her gown, they lowered my bed because the baby was sliding out while she was still changing. She held him just in time to twist his shoulder around. Then he was born. He was perfect. He weighed 2.975kg. Cried so loud until he was placed on my breast and his dad sang him the adzan. Then he stopped crying.
Afterwards Dr Anita said my bleeding didn't stop, my uterus wasn't contracting back as quickly as it was supposed to. She put me on drip and under observation for 1 hour in the labor ward. Then she stitched me. After 1 hour I was cleared to go to the normal ward. As the nurse took out the bag which held my blood I was so shocked. It was A LOT!
I really think I'll miss this experience because I truly hope this will be my last time giving birth. Each and every one of them is precious and I remember them all vividly.
With Love
Altair Ramadhan Rauf
So on that day, 19 June 2017, after the check up and the membrane sweep I went back to the office and wrote that blog. I was determined to wrap up my part of the report before my maternity leave which I expected to start a few days later. So I had my lunch and in the meantime I was having continuous contractions. I of course timed them as usual. Initially it was every 10 minutes for half an hour and increased to every 6-5minutes lasted about 40-60 secs, which I blamed on the sweep. And so I waited... and browsed... and still writing my report... 1 o clock and it persisted. I suddenly had the continuous urge to pee and every time I walked to the toilet I still got contractions regularly. I ate, I drank so much it still persists. At this point I was doubting myself, is it possible that it's the real thing and the sweep actually induced it?
I started asking my friends who had sweep before. One of them had it similar, but hers were just 20mins apart which means mine were the real thing!!! I called the labor ward they asked me to come in. Finally at 3 pm I called my husband and asked him to pick me up. In the meantime I was chit chatting with friends while contracting every 5mins and they were all scared I was going to pop there and then. I knew it won't be that fast so I was still relaxed. It was still bearable even though it was starting to get painful. My husband reached office around 4pm and we went to the hospital. The parking lot was far so he asked me to go in first. I told him I'd wait for him outside A&E rather than going in too soon and we need to pay for labor ward LOL.
So we went in, told the A&E officer that I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so then they pushed me to the labor ward. I changed into the hospital gown and peed where I saw a lot of blood which means labor is on its way. Up to this point it all felt surreal, too fast. The doctor in charge was checking me inside, she said it was still tight and baby was still high (same with Rana previously). My contractions were pretty regular though. I was 4cm dilated by this point. Not too painful yet. She called my gynae, and told me that they were going to burst my water bag. Asked me if I had considered any pain killer aka epidural. I said will it be bad after water is broken? she said most definitely, so it was the time if I wanted to do it. At that time I was almost 5cm dilated if I'm not wrong, it was around 6pm. Then the anesthesist injected the epidural. By this time contractions were more intense and shorter. After it was all done my gynae came and checked everything, she burst my water bag and since it was still a little tight she said she's gonna head home first. Meaning baby is not coming out in a short while.
This time round the epidural only numb my area on the right side. From below the waist I feel nothing on both sides. However on my left side I could feel all contractions. The doctors and nurses left me since 7 pm, checking occasionally. The last time they checked was at 8pm. I couldn't sleep. I could stll feel all contractions on the left side. Bram was sleeping soundly though. Every hour I called the nurse to ask when is the doctor coming. Then around 10 pm the doctor came and checked, I was fully dilated! However head was still high, so they asked me to push slowly while waiting for Dr Anita to come. They said will be coming in 20 minutes.
Within that 20 mins I kept pushing, and I could feel him coming. With each push I could feel the contractions getting stronger, then I started screaming, I can't hold it, I need to keep pushing. Dr Anita came at the last minute. As she was changing into her gown, they lowered my bed because the baby was sliding out while she was still changing. She held him just in time to twist his shoulder around. Then he was born. He was perfect. He weighed 2.975kg. Cried so loud until he was placed on my breast and his dad sang him the adzan. Then he stopped crying.
Afterwards Dr Anita said my bleeding didn't stop, my uterus wasn't contracting back as quickly as it was supposed to. She put me on drip and under observation for 1 hour in the labor ward. Then she stitched me. After 1 hour I was cleared to go to the normal ward. As the nurse took out the bag which held my blood I was so shocked. It was A LOT!
I really think I'll miss this experience because I truly hope this will be my last time giving birth. Each and every one of them is precious and I remember them all vividly.
With Love
Altair Ramadhan Rauf
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Feminisme
Saya selalu berpikir bahwa saya adalah seorang feminis.
Itu dulu.
Sekarang saya sadar, feminisme itu tidak ada gunanya hahahahahaha. Saya bukan mendadak jadi ekstrimis ya, yang berpendapat wanita cocoknya di rumah, dapur dan kasur saja. Namun kenyataannya dunia ini tidak adil memang, dan ada yang harus selalu dikorbankan.
Wanita ketika sudah menikah, mengurus suami, masih bisa disambi. Tantangannya adalah ketika sudah punya anak. Terlalu banyak yang dipertaruhkan dan pada titik ini seorang wanita harus memilih prioritas, karir atau anak dan keluarga. Idealnya adalah bekerja di perusahaan yang memfasilitasi wanita berkeluarga, dengan memberi cuti lebih banyak dan leluasa misalnya, jam kerja fleksibel. Tapi realistis deh, berapa banyak perusahaan macam ini? Atau perusahaan yang memberi banyak kelonggaran pada wanita. Biasanya kalau ada pun kemungkinan karir mandek, gaji gak naik-naik, dan tidak besar penghasilannya.
Kemana itu perginya kesetaraan di tempat kerja bagi wanita dan lelaki. Bisa melakukan pekerjaan dengan kualitas yang sama kuantitas yang sama. Sebenernya kalau mau disetarakan setarakan ke bawah, lelaki diberi kelonggaran sama dengan wanita. Kembali pada realitas, perusahaan yang karyawannya macam ini kalau gak maju-maju ya ga berkembang.
Saya sekarang sih cari kerja gak muluk-muluk deh. Gaji udh prioritas nomer sekian. Prioritas pertama fleksibilitas jam kerja, bosnya baik apa gak, lokasi kerja, baru gaji. Kayanya lama-lama gaji berapapun asal cukup buat ngisi kegiatan dan uang saku saya terima deh.
Begitulah feminisme, semakin dihadapkan realita semakin tak mungkin. Karena kalau mau disetarakan dengan lelaki, kita gak perlu bereproduksi. Sekalian aja. Bukannya wanita tidak mampu, kita mampu. Namun karena lingkungan tidak mendukung dan realitanya berat sekali menyeimbangkan semuanya. Saya saja yang jam kerjanya dihitung fleksibel bgt, ga pernah dinas2 meninggalkan anak masih keteteran. Gimana yang sibuk banget?
Wanita seharusnya bukan dicap seharusnya di rumah, tapi diperbolehkan jika memilih tidak mau bekerja, dan jika memilih itu posisinya tidak lebih tinggi dan tidak lebih rendah dari wanita lain. Semua ini masalah pilihan.
Pada akhirnya saya menerima kalau wanita dan lelaki punya posisi masing-masing di masyarakat. Yang di rumah tidak lebih buruk yang bekerja tidak lebih baik. Namun baik juga sih kalau berkegiatan atau punya bisnis sendiri, sebagai wadah wanita untuk mengembangkan diri.
Itu dulu.
Sekarang saya sadar, feminisme itu tidak ada gunanya hahahahahaha. Saya bukan mendadak jadi ekstrimis ya, yang berpendapat wanita cocoknya di rumah, dapur dan kasur saja. Namun kenyataannya dunia ini tidak adil memang, dan ada yang harus selalu dikorbankan.
Wanita ketika sudah menikah, mengurus suami, masih bisa disambi. Tantangannya adalah ketika sudah punya anak. Terlalu banyak yang dipertaruhkan dan pada titik ini seorang wanita harus memilih prioritas, karir atau anak dan keluarga. Idealnya adalah bekerja di perusahaan yang memfasilitasi wanita berkeluarga, dengan memberi cuti lebih banyak dan leluasa misalnya, jam kerja fleksibel. Tapi realistis deh, berapa banyak perusahaan macam ini? Atau perusahaan yang memberi banyak kelonggaran pada wanita. Biasanya kalau ada pun kemungkinan karir mandek, gaji gak naik-naik, dan tidak besar penghasilannya.
Kemana itu perginya kesetaraan di tempat kerja bagi wanita dan lelaki. Bisa melakukan pekerjaan dengan kualitas yang sama kuantitas yang sama. Sebenernya kalau mau disetarakan setarakan ke bawah, lelaki diberi kelonggaran sama dengan wanita. Kembali pada realitas, perusahaan yang karyawannya macam ini kalau gak maju-maju ya ga berkembang.
Saya sekarang sih cari kerja gak muluk-muluk deh. Gaji udh prioritas nomer sekian. Prioritas pertama fleksibilitas jam kerja, bosnya baik apa gak, lokasi kerja, baru gaji. Kayanya lama-lama gaji berapapun asal cukup buat ngisi kegiatan dan uang saku saya terima deh.
Begitulah feminisme, semakin dihadapkan realita semakin tak mungkin. Karena kalau mau disetarakan dengan lelaki, kita gak perlu bereproduksi. Sekalian aja. Bukannya wanita tidak mampu, kita mampu. Namun karena lingkungan tidak mendukung dan realitanya berat sekali menyeimbangkan semuanya. Saya saja yang jam kerjanya dihitung fleksibel bgt, ga pernah dinas2 meninggalkan anak masih keteteran. Gimana yang sibuk banget?
Wanita seharusnya bukan dicap seharusnya di rumah, tapi diperbolehkan jika memilih tidak mau bekerja, dan jika memilih itu posisinya tidak lebih tinggi dan tidak lebih rendah dari wanita lain. Semua ini masalah pilihan.
Pada akhirnya saya menerima kalau wanita dan lelaki punya posisi masing-masing di masyarakat. Yang di rumah tidak lebih buruk yang bekerja tidak lebih baik. Namun baik juga sih kalau berkegiatan atau punya bisnis sendiri, sebagai wadah wanita untuk mengembangkan diri.
Monday, June 19, 2017
38Wk ++
Loads of BH contractions for the past 2 weeks. Mostly ranging every 20-30minutes to 1 hour. This past week it had become more painful which I can feel in my sleep. I got lots of tightening which I have no idea if it's BH or it's just last tri pain. But those that comes with pain and cramps and backpain I categorized into BH. It didn't increase in intensity or coming closer.
This morning was my Obgyn appointment. I didn't gain weight at all since my last appointment 10 days ago. His weight must have stabilized to get ready for birth. My cervix was open, dilated about 2 cm and she helped me with membrane sweep to hasten the pace. We'll see in a few days whether I go into labor. With Asha I went into labor 4 days after I was dilated, with Rana was also similar. I hope this one comes before Hari Raya.
Bismillah. May Allah ease things for me and given me and the baby perfect health and condition during labor and beyond.
This morning was my Obgyn appointment. I didn't gain weight at all since my last appointment 10 days ago. His weight must have stabilized to get ready for birth. My cervix was open, dilated about 2 cm and she helped me with membrane sweep to hasten the pace. We'll see in a few days whether I go into labor. With Asha I went into labor 4 days after I was dilated, with Rana was also similar. I hope this one comes before Hari Raya.
Bismillah. May Allah ease things for me and given me and the baby perfect health and condition during labor and beyond.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
36 Weeks ++
This week I can feel the baby's head is further down my pelvis. The movements are also much much lower. These few days I can feel BH coming more frequent and painful.
Konon bayi diatas 36minggu gerakannya makin sedikit. Bayi ini kyny gak gitu deh. Tendangannya msh kenceng, sikutannya masih kuat. Saking rutinnya bergerak gw sampe ga ngitungin 10 gerakan dlm 12 jam... Kadang kalo gerak bikin kram peruuuuttt. BH contractions ada kali sekitar 0.5-1 jam sekali. Gatau deh maksudnya apa, ntar lagi brojol apa ga ngefek hahahahaha.
Yang jelas ga enak bgt. Kalo lg BH contractions lg jalan rasanya kenceng, pelvis berat, dan kadang kepalanya ky mo jatuh ke bawah. Belum lagi kadang2 gw bisa merasakan tulangnya bergesekan dengan tulang pelvis gw. Asli ngeri bin ngilu!!
Masih ngantor, jalan kaya siput, makan udh mulai enak (lagi), masalah ambe datang dan pergi tp selama gw bener2 ga makan pedes plus rutin makan pepaya sih sejauh ini udah ga bengkak dan sakit lagi. Pas boker sih masih keluar tapi terus masuk lagi. Kaki mulai agak bengkak, sejak beberapa minggu lalu. Kenaikan timbangan sekitar 7-8 kg. Rekor terkecil bgt ini mah. Udah mulai gampang cape, alhamdulillah tidur masih nyaman (kan ada tu
Appointment sama dokter masih 3 hari lg. Mudah2an pas dicek udh ada bukaan ato udh menipis gitu cervix liningnya. One can only hope, but the decision is never mine *sigh. Harus banyak2 doa ajalah ini sih.
Konon bayi diatas 36minggu gerakannya makin sedikit. Bayi ini kyny gak gitu deh. Tendangannya msh kenceng, sikutannya masih kuat. Saking rutinnya bergerak gw sampe ga ngitungin 10 gerakan dlm 12 jam... Kadang kalo gerak bikin kram peruuuuttt. BH contractions ada kali sekitar 0.5-1 jam sekali. Gatau deh maksudnya apa, ntar lagi brojol apa ga ngefek hahahahaha.
Yang jelas ga enak bgt. Kalo lg BH contractions lg jalan rasanya kenceng, pelvis berat, dan kadang kepalanya ky mo jatuh ke bawah. Belum lagi kadang2 gw bisa merasakan tulangnya bergesekan dengan tulang pelvis gw. Asli ngeri bin ngilu!!
Masih ngantor, jalan kaya siput, makan udh mulai enak (lagi), masalah ambe datang dan pergi tp selama gw bener2 ga makan pedes plus rutin makan pepaya sih sejauh ini udah ga bengkak dan sakit lagi. Pas boker sih masih keluar tapi terus masuk lagi. Kaki mulai agak bengkak, sejak beberapa minggu lalu. Kenaikan timbangan sekitar 7-8 kg. Rekor terkecil bgt ini mah. Udah mulai gampang cape, alhamdulillah tidur masih nyaman (kan ada tu
Appointment sama dokter masih 3 hari lg. Mudah2an pas dicek udh ada bukaan ato udh menipis gitu cervix liningnya. One can only hope, but the decision is never mine *sigh. Harus banyak2 doa ajalah ini sih.
Monday, May 8, 2017
32 Wks +++
I did my last scan and my check up this morning.
Some updates:
- Baby is head down, in a correct position (that explains all the pressure down below)
- He weighs 1.9kg, about 43 percentile, all other measurements were normal, averaging in 37 percentile which means he's not too big not too small. However his femur length was on the 80 percentile which means he's got long legs.
- Still a boy XD, his elephant and his balls were clearly seen.
- To my husband's utter disappointment his nose seems to follow mine but who knows right?
My hemorrhoid is much much better Alhamdulillah. Still a little itchy after I pass motion and it still came out but afterwards will go back in. I religiously stick to the non spicy diet and consume more water and some servings of yogurt and fruits every day. The doctor was more concerned about my low blood count. During my 12 wk blood test it was 10.9, now it went down to 10.7. So she perscribed a higher dosage of iron pill. She also continued my Daflon to take every day plus the stool softener.
I can feel the baby's weight on my pelvis. Getting more difficult to walk now because everytime I walk he will wiggle and stretch and hit a nerve which is just so uncomfortable. If he's not moving it's just heavy. He is definitely hanging low.
Next appointment is in 2 more weeks. Getting closer to my D-day! I am so anxious. Hopefully this one will come early too! I don't think I can bear carrying this weight everywhere I go for 8 more weeks!!
Some updates:
- Baby is head down, in a correct position (that explains all the pressure down below)
- He weighs 1.9kg, about 43 percentile, all other measurements were normal, averaging in 37 percentile which means he's not too big not too small. However his femur length was on the 80 percentile which means he's got long legs.
- Still a boy XD, his elephant and his balls were clearly seen.
- To my husband's utter disappointment his nose seems to follow mine but who knows right?
My hemorrhoid is much much better Alhamdulillah. Still a little itchy after I pass motion and it still came out but afterwards will go back in. I religiously stick to the non spicy diet and consume more water and some servings of yogurt and fruits every day. The doctor was more concerned about my low blood count. During my 12 wk blood test it was 10.9, now it went down to 10.7. So she perscribed a higher dosage of iron pill. She also continued my Daflon to take every day plus the stool softener.
I can feel the baby's weight on my pelvis. Getting more difficult to walk now because everytime I walk he will wiggle and stretch and hit a nerve which is just so uncomfortable. If he's not moving it's just heavy. He is definitely hanging low.
Next appointment is in 2 more weeks. Getting closer to my D-day! I am so anxious. Hopefully this one will come early too! I don't think I can bear carrying this weight everywhere I go for 8 more weeks!!
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