Hey You

 I haven't written in a long time. I used to love journaling. Writing nonsense, and keeping myself sane. So what should I write today.

Today's thought is going back to things that creates a spark. Honestly my everyday routine is killing me, and now I think it feeds my anxiety because I'm not using my right brain at all. My hobby since I was young is to read and to journal. And so I'm gonna start again. Trying to build back my spark.

There's something that has been stopping me from writing. SO I only have time to journal in the office. But I have this truly annoying colleague/senior who judges EVERYONE. She thinks at work people should just work, no side activities. I'm not sure if it's my childhood trauma but I feel so inclined, even feel obliged to satisfy her. Like I've always tried to satisfy my dad. They are so alike, judgy, pushy, micromanagers. Humans are truly fascinating, it seems that my lifetime goal is to satisfy difficult people/ Until today, my dad has never said anything to me that indicates I've done well. It's just something he took for granted.

So I've shaped up my life trying NOT TO BE people that he disliked. Strangely with her I've felt similar pull to not be people she dislikes. It's more difficult to navigate around multiple NOT-TO-BEs than multiple TO-BEs. I'm still working on my Core Values, which is What I WANNNT to be. So anyway, I have no answer to this situation. I've tried to pull away but my automatic reaction kept pushing me back.

I don't like her but on her good days I can hear myself saying, oh she's not so bad. WTF Girl, get away from her, she's bad for your mental health. I have come to terms that as long as we're working together I need to survive. Even tho it's killing me. I don't know where to start unattaching. I can try to float my feelings around her but I kept being disappointed and scared of her disapproval. This is most definitely my childhood trauma that I have been carrying. 

I acknowledge that there is no quick fix. Though it is a feeling I dislike I know I must see it through. Just like everything in my life.

Hmmm this has been helpful.

{Anxiety} Dealing with weaknesses

 We humans are very vulnerable, yet we don't want to admit that. We are scared of getting old, getting sick, where we might need help. We always want to be strong, healthy, compare ourselves to others, therefore we reject all signs of weaknesses. Then we reject help, because help=weakness. Maybe this is not just for the old, but for everyone in our society which shuns weaknesses.

I don't mind receiving help when I ask for it. But not when I don't ask for it. This is human I guess. Human ego. We are always ok, when in fact we are not. We put up front to satisfy others expectation of us. Often times I just want to scream on top of my lungs, I AM NOT OK BUT IT IS NONE OF YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS. Let me sort it out myself.

I want to be mean and say what I want but it would hurt people. How I always think about others and not myself. I better get points for this oh God cos this sure ain't easy. And I know humans are selfish, I don't know why I can't be one. I put up with people, I entertain them but I guess I haven't given myself a chance to allow myself just to be me. Just to be annoyed, I mean I know they meant well but I don't care. I don't even give myself this privilege, to feel my emotions without having to justify them.

I don't even give myself a chance to be weak and sick. I don't allow myself to say I'm not ok so shut the f*ck up. I know I wouldn't say that, so I always find ways to say it nicely. 

I am still in the process of not giving a f*ck of what people say. SO I can deal with my weaknesses MY way.

[My Anxiety Journey] The ups and downs

 I have my ups and downs. These 2 wks weren't very good for me. I wasn't feeling very well, which adds up as my anxiety triggers. This unwell feeling, I couldn't help it, right? Yet I still blame myself. Why do I get sick so often, why can't I take care of myself. THIS SELF LOATHE is what I've been taught since I was young. That I always need to be mindful of others, but what about me? DO I even matter?? What I want, does it even matter?

I've been doing myself some self compassion meditations. One thing that I've realized, I was never taught on how to deal with emotions. I was only taught that negative emotions are bad and needs to be pushed away, positive emotions are good and needs to be nurtured. But we are human, we get sad, angry, stressed, happy, scared, excited, shame. See how there are more negatives than positives? Those things make us human.

I'm now learning what I should have learned as a kid. Recognizing my emotion and not pushing it away. Just let it flow, label it, and move forward with it. 

What I have tried, and worked for me was, when the anxiety comes up I talked to it

Oh no, here it is again. You are scared? What are you scared of? Oh I see, you're scared of < >. It's ok, the last time we felt this way nothing happened right? So just take a deep breath and let's try this. 

and    

Oh, I'm shaking. it's ok to shake, you know. Nothing wrong with that. If people noticed, let it be. it's ok to feel ashamed. Let's try this.

I used to force these thoughts into my head. e.g. I'm shaking. shit, why shaking again? ok let it flow but it needs to stop soon. So i used to refuse all these emotions. 

Now I'm learning to tell myself, it's ok to feel these emotions. Feeling doesn't have to be denied, or rationalized. It's ok to have anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, let's try this.

I needed someone to tell me this as a child. For now, that someone is me....

[My Anxiety Diary] Beginning of my journey

Few days ago...

I can feel that it's getting worse. My mood is at an all time low and I don't have confidence to do anything. I am scared of everything and everyone. I am functioning but it's just to occupy my mind. Nothing I do is enjoyable anymore. I have constant worry and it is so debilitating. I feel like crying and the whole day my muscle always tensed up.

I also don't know what I am unconsciously running away from. It is so scary because i don't know the cause, i don't know what's happening. I just want to go back to the way I was before, happy and content.

Now...

I downloaded DARE app in my phone. I am trying to embrace my anxiety. Allowing it to come in and at the same time bravely challenging it. I am scared of a lot of things but I'm not going to let it control me. I am mostly scared of disappointing other people and what they might think of me. I am today working from home because I have a psychologist appointment. I lied to my boss saying I need to go to my son's school. I feel so heavily guilty about it and it triggered my anxiety. I am scared he will scold me or fire me and he might think I'm lazy.

But then, so what? What if he doesn't even think that way about me? It's my life and I'm doing this for myself. I am more important than what people think of me. I accept that I have this anxiety, this worry. So bring it on. How bad could it be? Muscle tension, unable to move, shaking, panic,sweating, bring it on.

And now I am writing at present.. yeah, no one is harming me, I am safe. I am just thinking about things that has not happened.

I am safe

I am enough

I am important

I don't have to be perfect

[My Anxiety Diary] What Happened?

 Just to clarify, I have not been officially diagnosed with anxiety but I have a high suspicion that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder. I am still monitoring myself and trying my best to cope.

I think it all started because of the pandemic. I had been working non stop since 2020. As WFH became the norm, it became more difficult to take leave. Since you can't go out of the country, it became general knowledge that when you take leave you were most probably lazying around. All these stresses build up and became a source of my anxiety and panic attack.

Stress work induced is real and it's not just the common saying, "Oh, work is so stressful". No, the stress is something that is affecting your day to day life. Constant worry, overthinking, constant anxiety, panicking when you're rushed. Imagine living like this every day, it is so painful.

I'm now at the stage of panicking for even small matters, like replying an email, hosting a meeting, discussing work with colleague. I break into cold sweat, shaking, shivering, can't focus, feels like breaking down. I also have a walking issue which I don't know why and it's causing some insecurities on me. I constantly worry about what other people think of me, so young and walking like this, so slow and wobbly. Maybe it's all just in my head but I can't help myself. Which is why now I panic if i'm in a crowded place where I feel everyone is watching me.

It was at peak when we had gathering at my friend's house. I had then realized I also have Social Anxiety. I think I basically panic under stress or when various thoughts come into my mind. I tried to stay calm but in the end I had a panic attack. Then suddenly everyone crowded around me worrying. God, I hated it. People asking me what's wrong, asking me to have a check up, etc. I appreciate it, but just give me some space. I too don't know what's going on. I hated showing people my weak side. 

I tend to be an introvert my whole life. I had many friends, but I open up to very few of them. My husband, thankfully is one of them. I've always thought I could handle everything myself, I'm strong, I've lasted so far with no breakdown. I have trust issues. I don't want people to pity me, make my life a story to share. My story is mine to tell, not yours. Which is why I'm very cautious. 

I then realized why the people who suffer from mental illness are the caring ones, the good ones, the strong ones, the nice ones. They don't want to burden other people and choose to suffer by themselves. I told my husband, "Why is it so hard to be a good person? To be forgiving, to care, to listen, to always smile, to be patient, it is just so hard to do if it's eating you inside. Because by doing all these, people use you, take advantage of you, hurt you. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer by being good". We as Muslims say, Ikhlas. But it is so so hard.

At times like this I realize, La hawla wa la quwwata illa billahi. There is no power nor strength except by Allah the Lofty, the Great".

I was never strong, Allah lent me His power. He can lend it and take it back whenever He wants. At times like this I just feel so weak and insignificant, and truly my body is not my own completely. I'm still learning to accept things, that I may limp for the rest of my life, that I have anxiety, that I'm not as healthy as I want to be. I need to stop caring that people think i'm weak, or lazy, or sick. Because it's ok not to be perfect or healthy or weak. It's ok not to be strong. It's ok not to be able to do everything. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to admit that I'm not OK. It's ok to be angry, or cry. 

One of Them days

This is one of them days..

Counting days to end of contract with no new job in hand. Not even one reply, let alone an interview. It is true though. When it's not yours not even a single cent comes your way.

I am desperate. I have loans to pay... I desperately need to work.

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I left the above on draft on Thursday. After writing it, I watched a kdrama to take my mind off of it. By Thursday evening my husband presented to me an opportunity, a job. He has been going around telling people that his wife (ME) is looking for a job and was a pipeline engineer. It so happens that his company was bidding for a trenching job and the PM in charge knows me. The PM is an indonesian and the PM from the other side is also an Indonesian. They exchanged stories and he said he desperately was looking for an engineer for his project and has to be a local. He told my husband, called the PM and passed the phone to my husband.  They were talking and in the end he told him that I'd call him later.

When he picked me up, we sat inside the car and I called him. He asked me to send my cv for him to look at. On Friday, I was holding a tahsin in my house, my husband called and said the PM was waiting for my CV. I quickly rushed and pulled one of my most detailed CV with project names and all and sent it to him.

Shortly he asked me when can I come for interview and I said Monday. On Monday I went for it and asked to join by the next week. I said I couldn't and in the end we agreed on a part time basis for this month. I completed the contract signing and the medcheck today.
The salary is not bad, benefit wise not attractive, work life balance doesn't seem that good. It's a 6 months contract only. I am not in a position to choose. I had prayed every daaaay for the best way from Allah and this is the answer. I trust in Allah's choice. So far all that He has given me has enriched my life one way or the other.

The salary is good for me to save up. I had some nazaar. one of it that I truly remember was I nazaar to go on umra in 2 years time. Waiting until Alta grows up a bit more so I can leave him. So maybe by this Allah is inviting me to save up for umra. Insya Allah

"Which of Allah's favours can we deny?"

When I'm Being Insecure

I'm not young anymore for being in a workforce. Having kids automatically put me in that not young category. I'm tied up. With responsibilities and constant worrying. My mind is basically all over the place. And now I'm just being insecure.

The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.

I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.

So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.

My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.