[My Anxiety Journey] The ups and downs

 I have my ups and downs. These 2 wks weren't very good for me. I wasn't feeling very well, which adds up as my anxiety triggers. This unwell feeling, I couldn't help it, right? Yet I still blame myself. Why do I get sick so often, why can't I take care of myself. THIS SELF LOATHE is what I've been taught since I was young. That I always need to be mindful of others, but what about me? DO I even matter?? What I want, does it even matter?

I've been doing myself some self compassion meditations. One thing that I've realized, I was never taught on how to deal with emotions. I was only taught that negative emotions are bad and needs to be pushed away, positive emotions are good and needs to be nurtured. But we are human, we get sad, angry, stressed, happy, scared, excited, shame. See how there are more negatives than positives? Those things make us human.

I'm now learning what I should have learned as a kid. Recognizing my emotion and not pushing it away. Just let it flow, label it, and move forward with it. 

What I have tried, and worked for me was, when the anxiety comes up I talked to it

Oh no, here it is again. You are scared? What are you scared of? Oh I see, you're scared of < >. It's ok, the last time we felt this way nothing happened right? So just take a deep breath and let's try this. 

and    

Oh, I'm shaking. it's ok to shake, you know. Nothing wrong with that. If people noticed, let it be. it's ok to feel ashamed. Let's try this.

I used to force these thoughts into my head. e.g. I'm shaking. shit, why shaking again? ok let it flow but it needs to stop soon. So i used to refuse all these emotions. 

Now I'm learning to tell myself, it's ok to feel these emotions. Feeling doesn't have to be denied, or rationalized. It's ok to have anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, let's try this.

I needed someone to tell me this as a child. For now, that someone is me....

[My Anxiety Diary] Beginning of my journey

Few days ago...

I can feel that it's getting worse. My mood is at an all time low and I don't have confidence to do anything. I am scared of everything and everyone. I am functioning but it's just to occupy my mind. Nothing I do is enjoyable anymore. I have constant worry and it is so debilitating. I feel like crying and the whole day my muscle always tensed up.

I also don't know what I am unconsciously running away from. It is so scary because i don't know the cause, i don't know what's happening. I just want to go back to the way I was before, happy and content.

Now...

I downloaded DARE app in my phone. I am trying to embrace my anxiety. Allowing it to come in and at the same time bravely challenging it. I am scared of a lot of things but I'm not going to let it control me. I am mostly scared of disappointing other people and what they might think of me. I am today working from home because I have a psychologist appointment. I lied to my boss saying I need to go to my son's school. I feel so heavily guilty about it and it triggered my anxiety. I am scared he will scold me or fire me and he might think I'm lazy.

But then, so what? What if he doesn't even think that way about me? It's my life and I'm doing this for myself. I am more important than what people think of me. I accept that I have this anxiety, this worry. So bring it on. How bad could it be? Muscle tension, unable to move, shaking, panic,sweating, bring it on.

And now I am writing at present.. yeah, no one is harming me, I am safe. I am just thinking about things that has not happened.

I am safe

I am enough

I am important

I don't have to be perfect

[My Anxiety Diary] What Happened?

 Just to clarify, I have not been officially diagnosed with anxiety but I have a high suspicion that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder. I am still monitoring myself and trying my best to cope.

I think it all started because of the pandemic. I had been working non stop since 2020. As WFH became the norm, it became more difficult to take leave. Since you can't go out of the country, it became general knowledge that when you take leave you were most probably lazying around. All these stresses build up and became a source of my anxiety and panic attack.

Stress work induced is real and it's not just the common saying, "Oh, work is so stressful". No, the stress is something that is affecting your day to day life. Constant worry, overthinking, constant anxiety, panicking when you're rushed. Imagine living like this every day, it is so painful.

I'm now at the stage of panicking for even small matters, like replying an email, hosting a meeting, discussing work with colleague. I break into cold sweat, shaking, shivering, can't focus, feels like breaking down. I also have a walking issue which I don't know why and it's causing some insecurities on me. I constantly worry about what other people think of me, so young and walking like this, so slow and wobbly. Maybe it's all just in my head but I can't help myself. Which is why now I panic if i'm in a crowded place where I feel everyone is watching me.

It was at peak when we had gathering at my friend's house. I had then realized I also have Social Anxiety. I think I basically panic under stress or when various thoughts come into my mind. I tried to stay calm but in the end I had a panic attack. Then suddenly everyone crowded around me worrying. God, I hated it. People asking me what's wrong, asking me to have a check up, etc. I appreciate it, but just give me some space. I too don't know what's going on. I hated showing people my weak side. 

I tend to be an introvert my whole life. I had many friends, but I open up to very few of them. My husband, thankfully is one of them. I've always thought I could handle everything myself, I'm strong, I've lasted so far with no breakdown. I have trust issues. I don't want people to pity me, make my life a story to share. My story is mine to tell, not yours. Which is why I'm very cautious. 

I then realized why the people who suffer from mental illness are the caring ones, the good ones, the strong ones, the nice ones. They don't want to burden other people and choose to suffer by themselves. I told my husband, "Why is it so hard to be a good person? To be forgiving, to care, to listen, to always smile, to be patient, it is just so hard to do if it's eating you inside. Because by doing all these, people use you, take advantage of you, hurt you. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer by being good". We as Muslims say, Ikhlas. But it is so so hard.

At times like this I realize, La hawla wa la quwwata illa billahi. There is no power nor strength except by Allah the Lofty, the Great".

I was never strong, Allah lent me His power. He can lend it and take it back whenever He wants. At times like this I just feel so weak and insignificant, and truly my body is not my own completely. I'm still learning to accept things, that I may limp for the rest of my life, that I have anxiety, that I'm not as healthy as I want to be. I need to stop caring that people think i'm weak, or lazy, or sick. Because it's ok not to be perfect or healthy or weak. It's ok not to be strong. It's ok not to be able to do everything. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to admit that I'm not OK. It's ok to be angry, or cry. 

One of Them days

This is one of them days..

Counting days to end of contract with no new job in hand. Not even one reply, let alone an interview. It is true though. When it's not yours not even a single cent comes your way.

I am desperate. I have loans to pay... I desperately need to work.

========================================================================

I left the above on draft on Thursday. After writing it, I watched a kdrama to take my mind off of it. By Thursday evening my husband presented to me an opportunity, a job. He has been going around telling people that his wife (ME) is looking for a job and was a pipeline engineer. It so happens that his company was bidding for a trenching job and the PM in charge knows me. The PM is an indonesian and the PM from the other side is also an Indonesian. They exchanged stories and he said he desperately was looking for an engineer for his project and has to be a local. He told my husband, called the PM and passed the phone to my husband.  They were talking and in the end he told him that I'd call him later.

When he picked me up, we sat inside the car and I called him. He asked me to send my cv for him to look at. On Friday, I was holding a tahsin in my house, my husband called and said the PM was waiting for my CV. I quickly rushed and pulled one of my most detailed CV with project names and all and sent it to him.

Shortly he asked me when can I come for interview and I said Monday. On Monday I went for it and asked to join by the next week. I said I couldn't and in the end we agreed on a part time basis for this month. I completed the contract signing and the medcheck today.
The salary is not bad, benefit wise not attractive, work life balance doesn't seem that good. It's a 6 months contract only. I am not in a position to choose. I had prayed every daaaay for the best way from Allah and this is the answer. I trust in Allah's choice. So far all that He has given me has enriched my life one way or the other.

The salary is good for me to save up. I had some nazaar. one of it that I truly remember was I nazaar to go on umra in 2 years time. Waiting until Alta grows up a bit more so I can leave him. So maybe by this Allah is inviting me to save up for umra. Insya Allah

"Which of Allah's favours can we deny?"

When I'm Being Insecure

I'm not young anymore for being in a workforce. Having kids automatically put me in that not young category. I'm tied up. With responsibilities and constant worrying. My mind is basically all over the place. And now I'm just being insecure.

The young ones are so free, ambitious, ready to explore the world, eager to learn. Whilst having kids kind of just rob everything out of you. You worry about their homework, their studies, the one going to primary isn't able to read yet, while you still have a baby to look after.

I'm scared the young will just replace me just like that. I think the old workforce are just constantly worried about this. You need to keep upgrading yourself, keep yourself updated with the technology, etc.

So now I'm back at the same position as I had 3 years ago. Frantically looking for jobs. I have to have a helper at home, which makes it a very difficult situation for me. My contract is ending on September 2018. Confirm there is no new project for the time being, so therefore my contract will only last me til then. I could take a break but I would have to give up my helper which I initially hoped I could keep for at least 2 more years.

My initial plan was to work here until I am 40. Then maybe I'd quit the workforce and stay home for good. I am really at rock bottom already. Because I feel like I am not needed anymore. Let's just hope for the best and pray more for now.

Birth Story #3

Remember my last post 38wks ++?? Well shortly after that i had continuous contractions and gave birth before midnight LOL. Exactly at 38+1 wk.

So on that day, 19 June 2017, after the check up and the membrane sweep I went back to the office and wrote that blog. I was determined to wrap up my part of the report before my maternity leave which I expected to start a few days later. So I had my lunch and in the meantime I was having continuous contractions. I of course timed them as usual. Initially it was every 10 minutes for half an hour and increased to every 6-5minutes lasted about 40-60 secs, which I blamed on the sweep. And so I waited... and browsed... and still writing my report... 1 o clock and it persisted. I suddenly had the continuous urge to pee and every time I walked to the toilet I still got contractions regularly. I ate, I drank so much it still persists. At this point I was doubting myself, is it possible that it's the real thing and the sweep actually induced it?

I started asking my friends who had sweep before. One of them had it similar, but hers were just 20mins apart which means mine were the real thing!!! I called the labor ward they asked me to come in. Finally at 3 pm I called my husband and asked him to pick me up. In the meantime I was chit chatting with friends while contracting every 5mins and they were all scared I was going to pop there and then. I knew it won't be that fast so I was still relaxed. It was still bearable even though it was starting to get painful. My husband reached office around 4pm and we went to the hospital. The parking lot was far so he asked me to go in first. I told him I'd wait for him outside A&E rather than going in too soon and we need to pay for labor ward LOL.

So we went in, told the A&E officer that I was having contractions every 5 minutes or so then they pushed me to the labor ward. I changed into the hospital gown and peed where I saw a lot of blood which means labor is on its way. Up to this point it all felt surreal, too fast. The doctor in charge was checking me inside, she said it was still tight and baby was still high (same with Rana previously). My contractions were pretty regular though. I was 4cm dilated by this point. Not too painful yet. She called my gynae, and told me that they were going to burst my water bag. Asked me if I had considered any pain killer aka epidural. I said will it be bad after water is broken? she said most definitely, so it was the time if I wanted to do it. At that time I was almost 5cm dilated if I'm not wrong, it was around 6pm. Then the anesthesist injected the epidural. By this time contractions were more intense and shorter. After it was all done my gynae came and checked everything, she burst my water bag and since it was still a little tight she said she's gonna head home first. Meaning baby is not coming out in a short while.

This time round the epidural only numb my area on the right side. From below the waist I feel nothing on both sides. However on my left side I could feel all contractions. The doctors and nurses left me since 7 pm, checking occasionally. The last time they checked was at 8pm. I couldn't sleep. I could stll feel all contractions on the left side. Bram was sleeping soundly though. Every hour I called the nurse to ask when is the doctor coming. Then around 10 pm the doctor came and checked, I was fully dilated! However head was still high, so they asked me to push slowly while waiting for Dr Anita to come. They said will be coming in 20 minutes.

Within that 20 mins I kept pushing, and I could feel him coming. With each push I could feel the contractions getting stronger, then I started screaming, I can't hold it, I need to keep pushing. Dr Anita came at the last minute. As she was changing into her gown, they lowered my bed because the baby was sliding out while she was still changing. She held him just in time to twist his shoulder around. Then he was born. He was perfect. He weighed 2.975kg. Cried so loud until he was placed on my breast and his dad sang him the adzan. Then he stopped crying.

Afterwards Dr Anita said my bleeding didn't stop, my uterus wasn't contracting back as quickly as it was supposed to. She put me on drip and under observation for 1 hour in the labor ward. Then she stitched me. After 1 hour I was cleared to go to the normal ward. As the nurse took out the bag which held my blood I was so shocked. It was A LOT!

I really think I'll miss this experience because I truly hope this will be my last time giving birth. Each and every one of them is precious and I remember them all vividly.

With Love
Altair Ramadhan Rauf

Feminisme

Saya selalu berpikir bahwa saya adalah seorang feminis.


Itu dulu.


Sekarang saya sadar, feminisme itu tidak ada gunanya hahahahahaha. Saya bukan mendadak jadi ekstrimis ya, yang berpendapat wanita cocoknya di rumah, dapur dan kasur saja. Namun kenyataannya dunia ini tidak adil memang, dan ada yang harus selalu dikorbankan.

Wanita ketika sudah menikah, mengurus suami, masih bisa disambi. Tantangannya adalah ketika sudah punya anak. Terlalu banyak yang dipertaruhkan dan pada titik ini seorang wanita harus memilih prioritas, karir atau anak dan keluarga. Idealnya adalah bekerja di perusahaan yang memfasilitasi wanita berkeluarga, dengan memberi cuti lebih banyak dan leluasa misalnya, jam kerja fleksibel. Tapi realistis deh, berapa banyak perusahaan macam ini? Atau perusahaan yang memberi banyak kelonggaran pada wanita. Biasanya kalau ada pun kemungkinan karir mandek, gaji gak naik-naik, dan tidak besar penghasilannya.

Kemana itu perginya kesetaraan di tempat kerja bagi wanita dan lelaki. Bisa melakukan pekerjaan dengan kualitas yang sama kuantitas yang sama. Sebenernya kalau mau disetarakan setarakan ke bawah, lelaki diberi kelonggaran sama dengan wanita. Kembali pada realitas, perusahaan yang karyawannya macam ini kalau gak maju-maju ya ga berkembang.

Saya sekarang sih cari kerja gak muluk-muluk deh. Gaji udh prioritas nomer sekian. Prioritas pertama fleksibilitas jam kerja, bosnya baik apa gak, lokasi kerja, baru gaji. Kayanya lama-lama gaji berapapun asal cukup buat ngisi kegiatan dan uang saku saya terima deh.
Begitulah feminisme, semakin dihadapkan realita semakin tak mungkin. Karena kalau mau disetarakan dengan lelaki, kita gak perlu bereproduksi. Sekalian aja. Bukannya wanita tidak mampu, kita mampu. Namun karena lingkungan tidak mendukung dan realitanya berat sekali menyeimbangkan semuanya. Saya saja yang jam kerjanya dihitung fleksibel bgt, ga pernah dinas2 meninggalkan anak masih keteteran. Gimana yang sibuk banget?

Wanita seharusnya bukan dicap seharusnya di rumah, tapi diperbolehkan jika memilih tidak mau bekerja, dan jika memilih itu posisinya tidak lebih tinggi dan tidak lebih rendah dari wanita lain. Semua ini masalah pilihan.

Pada akhirnya saya menerima kalau wanita dan lelaki punya posisi masing-masing di masyarakat. Yang di rumah tidak lebih buruk yang bekerja tidak lebih baik. Namun baik juga sih kalau berkegiatan atau punya bisnis sendiri, sebagai wadah wanita untuk mengembangkan diri.