The Selfish Me

I'm selfish and I know it. Sometimes I think is it wrong to be selfish? Do I always have to pretend that I truly understand how others feel? Do I always need to pretend that  I am such an understanding wife and mom? Do I need to pretend that I am happy when he's happy? Do I need to pretend that I like your wife?

Well I'm not! I'm not understanding, I don't give a shaite of what you feel, I hate it when you're happy and I hate your wife cause she's too purfect and I just want to be happy. Me me me me!! No one else can have it!!!

I'm sure at some point we all feel this way. Tired of what people expect us to be. Tired of what life expects us to be. Tired of what we are brought into. Well at least I'm tired. I feel like throwing a tantrum just to get what I want.

But I don't say how I really feel. Why? Because that's what being a grown up is. We need to filter our emotions. Even though I'm bad at filtering, I still show my true feeling once in a while. And because life is not about what I want any more. There are so many little lives depending on it. I can't be selfish anymore..

I can't ask my husband not to go. Even if I say it he'll go anyway. Besides, it's good for him. Not good for me though. The main reason why I don't want him to go is I'm gonna be so lonely. And I hate feeling lonely. The other reasons are inferior to this. Selfish? Yes.

I can't tell him that I'm not happy when he's happy. I mean who am I to say such a thing? Is it because I'm jealous!? I don't think so. Is it a grudge? Hmmmm. It's one of those you are forgiven not forgotten moments. Where you just wishes him to sink  to the bottom of the world and you laugh on his face. Ok... Maybe a grudge over no apparent reason. Selfish? Yes.

I can't bring myself to like his wife. To make it worse, she's pretty and nice. Not my type of friends. Under normal circumstances she can be my friend. But as his wife? Nope! Selfish? Yes.

But it's a part of me and I can't immediately change into miss angel. Maybe what I can do is still be selfish but accept the fact. That i am selfish and i hate some things instead of pretending that I'm cool and chill with anything. I'm no saint. I'm just a selfish little me who'd like a little appreciation and love once in a while. Who'd want to be put first once in a while. Who has a grudge over 5 years and still not over it hahahahah

January 2015

Another year has gone by. Other challenges are waiting ahead of me. This year my husband is going to be stationed in Cambodia for 18 months!!

I was furious! Why us again? Why should it be him again? But I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be the wife holding him down just because I don't like being left behind. He talked with his boss and agreed that he can do 3wks there 1wk here. Which is not so bad. I calmed down. Starting to accept the fact. I still dislike it but I still have to live with it. Allah is testing my patience again. This time it's a more difficult test.

But I don't want to complain. As much as I can. I tried my best to look happy about it but truthfully I am still unsure how it would turn out. I'll just do it. InsyaAllah if I do it wholeheartedly Allah will make it easier.

I am trying my best to look at the bright side. At least he gets to come home every 3 wks. Some people are not so lucky. At least i have a helper at home. At least I'm working. At least I hope he gets new experiences.

About That Job Search

Remember my job search a little while back? Actually not a little while but a few months back hahahaha. Well, my prayers really was answered. I prayed for the best solution for me and family. So hopefully that is what I get, the best.

Before McD finally took me in, I interviewed in a few places. Looking back, and considering the development in oil and gas industry I am grateful.

Intecsea. I interviewed here in February I think. No news from them, and I think I didn't do very well on the interview. Turns out that they closed their branch in KL, retrenched half of their employees in Perth. Singapore office is so far not retrenching anyone but I guess they don't have many projects. Alhamdulillah I didn't get an offer from them.

Technip. I interviewed here on March or April if I'm not wrong. Actually this is a very good company. They have projects everywhere. Quite busy with jobs. I suck horrendously during the interview. But looking back, I don't think I would've survived with that kind of boss anyway. Alhamdulillah I wasn't given an opportunity to be given an offer..

Swiber. I was quite hopeful on this one. Since it is located near my old office, so it wouldn't be so bad. They never even contacted me for an interview. I was quite sad. Felt hopeless. Then one of my friend moved there, and I heard she said that the working environment is not good. Not sure how bad it was though. But I was glad they didn't call me for an interview.

I applied for so many positions, so many times without luck. Til I finally gave up and rest easy waiting for whatever happens next. Then McD happens. Alhamdulillah. I've got my doubts, I've got my worries, but I believe that this is Allah's answer to my prayers, so I just need to make it into the best for me and my family.

About Breastfeeding In Public

I am a breastfeeding mom. I'd love to use nursing rooms if there is one in the place that I'm going to. Well, sometimes if there is one, it's fully occupied. If I go to a park, and there is no nursing room, where do I go? If you're not a mom, can you imagine yourself starving till you want to faint if you don't eat asap? Well, babies are the same. So they will wail.. and I will be breastfeeding with my cover on anywhere. Sitting down, standing up, whereever I am.

Apparently here in Singapore, it has become a big fuss. Lately a mother who was breastfeeding in a restaurant was chased off. And I've heard stories about breastfeeding mom being scolded for breastfeeding in public.

I personally think, and I think most mothers will think this way, breastfeeding in public is perfectly fine. As long as you are covered well. I'd think nobody would even know you are breastfeeding. Actually I have that sense of pride when I'm breastfeeding and people glance at me. I feel that I'm giving what's best for my baby and how convenient it is.

On the other side of the world, a lot of breastfeeding moms are protesting as well. It turns out that on that side of the world, some people are against nursing in public too. They too experience being chided for nursing in restaurants, etc. Were they exposing her breast? NO! They covered their breast. And I think it is more than what women in bikinis cover. So therefore,there are lots of pics in moms magazines that shows a kid nursing on his mom, and the mom is exposing their breast, stating that breastfeeding is not pornography. If you get turned on by looking at a mom nursing its bubs, then something is wrong.

Okay, so by giving such an offensive reaction to breastfeeding, what you get is such an extreme response. Everyone is angry. Like, in what way do we disgust you by breastfeeding under the cover? Or is it because we cover up that you are not enjoying it?

Seriously, if I were to be scolded for breastfeeding in public, I would prepare a list of such intelligent things to say. For you breastfeeding moms, don't be shameful of doing so. If you think you are right, just keep doing in with you chins held high :)

Are We Humans? Or Are We Robots?

This morning I do my usual routines. I took a shower, I went to work. Took the same route, went on the same train, got down in the same station. Everyone was so busy with their smartphones. And when I wanted to go inside the lift, suddenly a bunch of people rushed to the lift. They did not look around, did not smile. They went straight to the lift, queuing up to go in, didn't look around whether there are more people who needed it more who wanted to go in.

Then it struck me. Is this what the Singaporeans have become? Robots? We care less about others. We give our empty seats just because if we don't our face will be all over stomp. Not because we feel that it's the right thing to do. I am not a Singaporean by blood, but I've lived here for quite sometime, so more or less I'm part of the society. So maybe I am a robot too.

There's no more warmth, no more empty conversation to warm up your day, no tolerance. People just go to work, go home, and mind your own business. I never even talked to my neighbor who lives right across our house!!!

Seriously people, are you happy with this kind of life?? You chase career, you chase money, all those for what? For you to lose your humanity and become robotized?

Living as "Foreign Talent" in Singapore

I would like to share the bitter sweet life for the whole 7 years that I have spent here. I've lived through the big changes and I really think within these 7 years span lie the turnover point in Singaporean lives.

I came on 2006. Life was good back then. The city was vibrant with life but less crowded. Less(er) malls, I could still see green grasses, empty fields where Indians used to have their picnics and crickets. I could still hop on the train and sit on empty train all the way from BoonLay to Changi. Morning near NTU would come with a cold fog over it. When PR applications were 100% approved, when foreign workers were mainly Indians, Indonesians, and Malaysians.

I think the horrendous crowds started pouring in on the year 2008. All the Chinese started to move in, as well as the Phillippines and Burmese. Then the train started to get crowded. Now, 2013, I couldn't find an empty train. Not even midnight!!! Now all nationalities started pouring in. Even those from Europe are starting to crowd the place as well.

I am a foreigner and I am feeling more and more uncomfortable by the days. Back then bus drivers still smile, taxis were affordable, and people were nicer. I totally understand why the Singaporeans protested. If I could I would protest too. My only mistake is that I didn't think I'd live here long enough to consider taking up PR. Now I partly regret it.

If you are a foreigner and married, making more than S$10000 a month in one household, you'll be more than happy here. Alas, with the good transportation, good hygiene system, good education, safe environment. The government will love you too, it'll be easier for you to get your PR provided that they still have quota for your race. If you are earning S$ 6000 a month in a household and your wife stays home to take care of the kids, and you have no liabilities back home, you'll be just fine and can still save up. If you are single and earning S$ 3000 you can save up enough.   If you are both working, have insurance to pay, house installment to pay, make sure your combined earning is more than S$ 6000 a month. If you have more than 1 kid going to school and you need a maid, being a foreigner I'd say you have to earn $7000-$8000. This is just rough estimates.

Companies here are pretty stingy, unless you get hired by big companies that is willing to pay for the whole family's medical expenses, vaccinations, etc. For most foreigners like me and husband, company don't pay for delivery fees, family's medical expenses, etc. THe company only pays for the employees, so I have one, husband has one. So we have to be money smart and save up for emergency situations. Paediatricians aren't cheap either. One consultation can cost $40-$80.  Electricity bills can go as high as $250 a month. Not to mention food materials that are getting more expensive by the days.

Most of us here don't live in luxuries like it seems. Especially if you have 2 young kids and a maid in tow. I don't have that much money to spare to shop at Zara, or H&M or uniqlo. Well once every 4 months maybe. I only go out to eat at restaurants once or twice a month. I don't buy things that are more than 40$, unless I have saved up for it.

I am struggling to save up with the current living cost. Alhamdulillah I could still save up for 1-2 short vacation to Batam or Malaysia a year. Plus 1 trip back home every year. So I'm not complaining.

I am just writing this regarding things that you need to consider before moving here. For you singles, I'd say just jump over here and work. For families, you need to do some calculations before signing that contract. Yes, this country does have its benefits as I have stated above. But remember, not everything is as good as it seems. I've been in this country too long I guess :D

Ditinggalkan

Ditinggal teman-teman satu persatu pindah ke perusahaan lain rasanya seperti hilang harapan. Asal muasal hijrah besar-besaran ini adalah karena sudah satu tahun perusahaan saya TIDAK ADA proyek. Manajemen bilang perusahaan ini masih bisa bertahan sampai tahun depan. Setelah itu wallahu alam. Kenyataan itu dan kebosanan tak terkira itu membuat amat sangat gelisah.

We all got mouths to feed, bills to pay, lifestyle to maintain (oke, yang ini sekunder). Dan saya termasuk yang posisinya paling lemah di perusahaan ini. Kenapa?

Sejak tahun 2009 memang pemerintah sini sudah membatasi PR approval, alias lebih diseleksi lagi. Sejak tahun lalu alias 2012 lebih parah lagi, karena penduduk lokal semakin keberatan pemerintah menambah pekerja asing (foreign talent) mereka pun memperketat Employment Pass (EP) approval. Mereka menaikkan batas gaji untuk EP, mengurangi kuota S Pass, bahkan dengar2 mereka akan membuat kuota buat EP (tadinya tidak ada). Alasan penduduk lokal karena pekerja asing ini adalah saingan laten bagi para pekerja lokal untuk mencari kerja. Memang sih, perusahaan kadang cenderung memilih untuk memperkerjakan pekerja asing. Kenapa?

Jadi penduduk lokal a.k.a PR dan Singaporean setiap bulannya gaji dipotong 20% untuk CPF ( the so called pension fund) dan masih bayar pajak tahunan. Sedangkan pekerja asing hanya perlu bayar pajak tahunan sekitar 5.5% di akhir tahun. Tentu saja dong, jadi perusahaan bisa memperkerjakan pekerja asing dengan gaji yg setidaknya 20% lebih kecil. Bahkan biaya yang harus dibayar perusahaan tiap bulan untuk tiap EP holders di perusahaan tidak sampai 20%.

Banyak bisnis tutup karena kuota pekerja asing diturunkan dan mereka tidak mampu melanjutkan usaha. Jika ingin terus lanjut maka harga barangnya harus dinaikkan, karena harus menggaet pekerja lokal yang notabene lebih mahal, mana bahan pokok juga mahal. Nah kalau harga barang/jasa dinaikkan, memang masih laku? Contoh: toko menjual bebek panggang seporsi S$10. Untuk terus beroperasi dia harus menaikkan biaya jadi S$20. Ada yang mau beli bebek panggang di coffeeshop harga segitu? I don't think so.

Kembali ke kasus saya. Kalau teman-teman saya orang lokal apply pekerjaan dan saya bersaing dengan mereka, untuk saat ini saya kalah telak. Kecuali saya mau dibayar murah dengan kualitas sama. Tapi yang bener aja, tinggal disini juga tidak murah loh.

Jadi memang tinggal tetap berusaha mencari pekerjaan baru dan terus tawakkal. Semoga ditunjukkan yang terbaik, diberi yang terbaik, dan dalam proses, diikhlaskan menjalaninya. Aamiiin