An Aha Moment

 I'm currently reading this book which is really interesting. Still on the subject of anxiety of course, and beyond. It's introducing a fact that is truly mind blowing to me, anxiety is basically happening on my left hemisphere, and creativity is happening on my right, which of course have been dormant since I don't know when.

I thought creativity is only art based. But it isn't. Right now I'm writing by activating my right hemisphere. Left brain is basically responsible for our boring stuff in life and the right is what is making life worth living. Wait, I'm losing what I wanted to write in the first place.

Oh yeah, ok, so....

I have spent the past 3 years struggling with my anxiety. Looking for cures etc. Until I stumbled upon the concept of surrender. But no matter how much I surrender and allowing my anxiety i'm still stuck in this anxiety cycle. Even after a few good days I still fear that the bad days will come back again. Even on some days I felt so numb, like without purpose. It's like, I'm here, then what?

Reading this book has sparked something within me. It sparked my willingness to find what I love again. I think I have been living in survival mode for so long I forgot what joy is. I'm too focused on being healthy, doing the right things, fixed my walking, working the right way, being calm, being flawless. I told myself numerous times, it's ok to be imperfect but it felt so empty, like it's just a false comfort.

I also don't know how long this phase will last but this should be life after anxiety. I'll try to stay curious in place of staying anxious.

What I enjoyed?

Nothing special really. I like to listen to people life story. I'm always fascinated about people's lives. Each and every one of them is so unique. So I'm gonna blog about some recent stories that I've listened to. Because I love writing!

Hey You

 I haven't written in a long time. I used to love journaling. Writing nonsense, and keeping myself sane. So what should I write today.

Today's thought is going back to things that creates a spark. Honestly my everyday routine is killing me, and now I think it feeds my anxiety because I'm not using my right brain at all. My hobby since I was young is to read and to journal. And so I'm gonna start again. Trying to build back my spark.

There's something that has been stopping me from writing. SO I only have time to journal in the office. But I have this truly annoying colleague/senior who judges EVERYONE. She thinks at work people should just work, no side activities. I'm not sure if it's my childhood trauma but I feel so inclined, even feel obliged to satisfy her. Like I've always tried to satisfy my dad. They are so alike, judgy, pushy, micromanagers. Humans are truly fascinating, it seems that my lifetime goal is to satisfy difficult people/ Until today, my dad has never said anything to me that indicates I've done well. It's just something he took for granted.

So I've shaped up my life trying NOT TO BE people that he disliked. Strangely with her I've felt similar pull to not be people she dislikes. It's more difficult to navigate around multiple NOT-TO-BEs than multiple TO-BEs. I'm still working on my Core Values, which is What I WANNNT to be. So anyway, I have no answer to this situation. I've tried to pull away but my automatic reaction kept pushing me back.

I don't like her but on her good days I can hear myself saying, oh she's not so bad. WTF Girl, get away from her, she's bad for your mental health. I have come to terms that as long as we're working together I need to survive. Even tho it's killing me. I don't know where to start unattaching. I can try to float my feelings around her but I kept being disappointed and scared of her disapproval. This is most definitely my childhood trauma that I have been carrying. 

I acknowledge that there is no quick fix. Though it is a feeling I dislike I know I must see it through. Just like everything in my life.

Hmmm this has been helpful.