Happy Father's Day (Dedicated to my dad)

Everyone has special things about their dads that they cherish. Be it their kindness, their laugh, etc. What I remember about my dad is, he was always angry, and ending every fight that we had, he ended it with, "someday you'll be thankful because of this". Being the very stubborn teenager that I was, I hated that sentence, and always cursed in my heart, "what do you know of being young".

Being a parent now, a fully grown up adult. I found the thing that I hated the most, becomes the thing that I held on dearly. He was right, he was right most of the time.

I wasn't brought up in loving kindness. Where young women would say that their fathers adore them like princesses. I wasn't brought up as a princess. I was brought up as a soldier. I had drills, commands, warnings, trials, curfews, etc. And that brings me to where I am now.

Nevertheless, he actually didn't ask much of me. He didn't really mind that I wasn't first in class, or I got a bad grade for a subject, or I never won a single trophy in my life. He only wanted me to try my best. As long as I've tried, he didn't mind. For that, I was shaped to follow my own lead in life, to follow what my heart wanted me to be, not what others expected me to be, and to be really stubborn in getting what I want.

He was most curt in morals, courtesy, and attitude. His principal was, "good looks is worthless with no brain. Good looks, good brain, is worthless with poor moral and attitude". So that too brings me how I have become. I could care less of how I look, I care more about the world, that fascinates me, and what it means. And I struggled years to learn of proper attitude, and believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever learned.

He taught me things that I thought were useless. Before I could ride a motorbike, he explained the functions of every single part of it. He opened his old car to explain parts of a car engine. He explained the mechanism of an aeroplane taking off and flies. Which at that time I dreaded sooo much. But now I realized that not all dads would take the time to teach their kids these.

He was not the most pleasant person to be around sometimes, due to his quick temper and unpredictable mood. Even so, he is a very wise and kind hearted person.
I honestly don't know how to behave around him sometimes, or to show him that I do appreciate every little thing that he had taught me. I too now understand that parents get angry because they are tired and confused and it wasn't something that they do out of spite.

So, happy father's day dad. I'm too shy to say it but do know that I love you so from the bottom of my heart.

When Life Seems Hard

When life seems hard, it is easy to succumb to depression. When we feel alone, it is so easy to succumb to loneliness and blaming people. But there are people out there who face worse things than you and they don't complain. Just living day by day trying to survive.

Every now and then, to realize that what I'm dealing with now is nothing compared to what other people are dealing with, I need fresh reminder constantly. It's not easy to remember that there are people less fortunate when we are feeling we are at the bottom level of our lives.

Just now I read a post. About a grandma and her granddaughter. It's true story btw, because there are pics from the person who met them. She is 74 years old. Her granddaughter is about 15years old and she is an orphan. She has an illness which if it were not treated, she will be a hunch back for life. So therefore, grandma had to travel twice every week from Bogor to Jakarta for physioterapy by train. They look poor so I think they took the normal economy class train. And the grand daughter's bones is in no condition for her to walk. So every time they go out, grandma carried her with a sling.

I felt so ashamed of myself. I struggled with my daily activities. I dread doing house chores, I dread hearing my kids scream and shout, I wept because there is no one to help me, I cursed my husband who is away.

I forgot that Alhamdulillah:
- My kids are healthy and well.
- My husband is alive and can still provide for me
- I still have a house, a running electricity, running water.
- I am young and healthy.

I was so caught up in how lonely I was, how Allah took my living privileges, how I was so scared of things that are not happening, how miserable I was staying home and felt useless.
While the grandma just do it because she sincerely wants her grand daughter to be alive and healthy. She never took of it as a burden, just something that she needs to do. I don't think she has goals in life as well. She just takes life as it comes.

I on the other hand, was never sincere. I am an egoistic mom, who just wants the easy things in life. I wanted a grand life. While some people are just thankful to be alive and healthy. Astaghfirullah.

Now I ask myself, So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? T_T *istigfar*

Anxiety and Depression

I really think I am suffering from early stage of depression. It has only lasted for a week and it comes and goes. But I do keep feeling down.

My symptoms are:
- Irritability. I am more irritable than ever. I can't stand my kids fighting, screaming, running around. I can't stand too much noise that makes me irritated.
- Lonely and helpless. I always bump into these feelings. I kept on feeling that I only can depend on myself. I don't have anyone to help (even when there is someone helping me with small things). I still feel everything is up to me to do. I have no one to turn to. I'm alone.
- Fatigue. I constantly feel tired. Like I have no energy. I feel like sleeping all day long.
- Scared of dying. I always feel like, how many days do I have left. Is tomorrow going to be the day? And these feelings kept on bringing me down like I've got nothing to look forward to.
- I have no plans for my future. I usually can plan what I want to do next year. Or the year after. Looking forward on holidays etc. Now I feel like I've got nothing. I don't know what to do. I have no plans. I have no dreams. I feel like I'm floating in the moment. Like life is empty.

I know I've got to fight this. I just don't know how. It just suddenly came over me. I don't even know what caused it. I'm trying hard to think what could have caused it but I really have no clue.....

Is it an accumulation of all my past losses? My husband gone overseas, lost my job, lost my helper. It's like all of a sudden all things in life that I took for granted are gone. At the beginning I tried to be strong and fight it. But maybe deep down inside I still couldn't accept it. I want my old life back. I want to be happy again. I want to be someone meaningful again. Truth is, I really miss working. I miss the feeling of socializing with adults during the day. Whereas now, what I do is just housework, caring for the kids. What makes it worse, I don't want to trouble anyone. I can't ask my husband to come back. He has a job to do. I don't want to be a burden.

My question is, can I find joy in being a housewife, where my husband is away and I'm left with everything? Can I have confidence that I really can do it slowly by setting my own standard? How bad do I want to go back to work again? What can make me happy again?

There is something missing in my life. Something that since I have left work has left me too. Maybe I was too caught up with my life, with my loneliness I can't see all other things in life.

When I'm Depressed

Actually, I kinda suspected that I am actually depressed. I lost my job, my husband is posted overseas, and my helper went home. I am all alone with my kids stuck with my house chores. At the beginning, I broke down. I was depressed because I felt so helpless. Then after that, I established a routine and it was getting better.

Two weeks ago, I went on a holiday with the kids. We went to my husband's place, stayed there for 2 whole weeks and we had fun. I was so happy to be reunited. Then suddenly 3 days before it was time to go back, I broke down again. I suddenly had a panic attack. I was scared that I'd die on a plane crash and would never see my husband again. I didn't want to go on that plane. I didn't know what came over me. I was so scared of losing everything. I was scared I would die soon and leave everything when I really wasn't ready to go yet. I was scared that Allah will test me to that extent. I was so scared, just scared of my life after.

Alhamdulillah the plane didn't crash and I got home safely. When we reached the airport I was so relieved. Then this morning I woke up and that feeling is still there. THe kids are still on holiday so we rested at home today. FYI I am having my menses and this anxiety happened since the menses started. The worst thing is, I can't do my shalat to relieve my mind. I felt so lonely, empty, no purpose of life. I felt like I have no one to talk to, no one I can depend on, since everyone has their own lives, and I don't want to be a crybaby. I don't want to trouble anyone, I want to be independent, not troubling anyone, able to hold myself. I don't want to worry or create problems to my husband, I just don't want to bring problems to anyone. Mostly, I don't want people to know that this is how I really feel. Lonely, scared, helpless.

Reality is, I can't. I feel so down I don't know how to handle it. I try to take my mind of it but I can't shake the feeling. Honestly, I can't see my life down the road from here. I don't know where I should or whether I would get a job, I don't know what I want, I don't know what will happen, and I'm stuck alone here for the next 1 year ahead. I tried to battle it, but everytime I tried I kept on going back to the negative energy.

I don't want the kids to see me like this. I want them to be happy, well fed, well taken care of, and sometimes I feel I'm incapable of doing such things. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I feel so scared. I want to be optimist again. InsyaAllah this feeling will go away soon. I'm praying that it would soon.

I know that I should depend on Allah for all things. The creator, the Almighty, the one I should love above all else. Maybe this is my punishment for taking the world for granted, for loving dunya more than the afterlife. I still wish to grow old with my husband, watching our kids grow together, go on holidays together, enjoy our life together. But I also realize that death is not in our hands, we just have to prepare ourselves to face it someday. Lately it has been bothering me. There are times that I do think of it, but this is the most severe.

InsyaAllah, Allah gives me and my husband a long life, a good physical and mental health, enough rizki to get by. InsyaAllah InsyaAllah.

Even though I still don't know what to do, and the feeling still lingers. I promise that I'll have courage. The courage to not be afraid. The courage to try and have hopes, stay positive. I can't lose to people whose life expectancy is in days but they maintain to feel positive. I must believe that Allah knows me better than anyone, that the tests He gives won't exceed what I can take. I must believe that whatever comes is made to make me stronger. I must believe that Allah's powers are beyond me.

I really don't know what can make me happy again. But I guess I should be happy that all is well for now. The secret to my happiness maybe is being thankful and being sincere. Sincerely accepts anything that comes in my way, and be thankful for every small thing in life. The kids, my husband, myself, my house. Nothing's perfect in life, but life itself is magic and something to be thankful of.